A group of people standing outside a building

Stop Waiting In Line At Breakfast Restaurants You Idiot

What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah you, the person waiting in line at a breakfast restaurant.

You got nothing better to do at 9am on a Saturday morning? Wait in line for 45 minutes to eat a pancake? It’s a God damn mother fucking PANCAKE. You got nothing going on? Life is that easy you can wait in line for a pancake?

A black coffee maker on a counter

Breakfast food might be my favorite food, and the best part about it? It’s easy as fuck to make. McDonald’s pancakes taste good. A McMuffin should have 3 Michelin stars itself. Breakfast food is easy to make yourself. So easy. Go to Whole Foods, buy some super expensive thick cut bacon, roast it with a little maple syrup and there you go. Better than waiting in line for an hour. Just go buy some expensive bacon – you know the kind that comes from some free range jerked off acorn fed pig. Just buy that stuff and it’s better than waiting in line 1,000,000 % of the time.

OK, you can’t make an omelette so you’re going to wait in line for someone to scramble your eggs with goat cheese. Nothing going on with your life? Got 3 hours to spare for a fucking overcooked omelette? Oh but Steve you’ll say, it comes with a side of cantaloupe. Fuck cantaloupe.

Certain things are worth waiting in line for, like the Wrigley Field Bleachers – you gotta get a good seat. But a pancake? It’s a pancake.

I see it in every big city. All these breakfast places serve the same shit. Restaurant opens at 9am and there they are, groups of idiots waiting at 8:45 to eat an egg. Time is the most precious thing we have, spend it wisely. Nothing sounds more fun than roasting in the hot morning sun for 55 fucking minutes to eat some Hollandaise sauce poured over an egg. Maybe don’t wait in line for breakfast, go for the McMuffin, then hit the mimosas.

* for the record, I live in Chicago and have waited in line for some amazing food at some of the best restaurants. Hours. It’s worth it at times, like Hot Doug’s was, but not a pancake.

Mimosas and McMuffins tanks available here.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock