Name That State: Man Facing Felony Charges For Having Sex With His Picnic Table

Everyone’s favorite game is back.

Name. That. State.

This one is a dandy, and creepy, and SAD. According to Fox19, police say a man was caught on tape having sex with his picnic table, and now he’s facing charges.

Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. What makes this a felony, Johnson says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE.

The neighbor — who wishes to remain anonymous — saw Price walk out onto his deck, stand a round metal table on its side and use the hole in the umbrella to have sex.

“The first video we had, he was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table,” Johnson says. Police say Price admitted to the crimes — four charges of public indecency. Usually these sorts of things are misdemeanors, but in this case, they are felonies (due to the chance a child could see).”

Price is married with three school-aged children.

Where do you even begin with this story? Of all the objects in your house, you decide the picnic table will do the trick? That poor table! How about an old tub of sour cream or something in the privacy of your own bathroom. Nah, he’s just like I need to fuck my table. People these days…

The state? OHIO (Bellevue).