57 Thoughts I Have Every Time I’m On A First Date

Jake Johnson looking at the camera

First dates. Just about everyone has been on them and they can be wonderful or terrible, but no matter what, your mind is racing the whole time. As Vince Vaughn says in Wedding Crashers, “It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions?” Pretty much.

While I’m mostly just praying I don’t do anything stupid, here’s 57 other thoughts I have every time I take on a first date:

1. What do I wear?

2. What’s she gonna wear?

3. I should just cancel.

4. Or just get coffee instead.

5. C’mon…. man up.

6. How’s my hair? 

7. Perfect.

8. I need a shot or 2 or 4.

9. Why isn’t this cab driver saying anything?

10. He’s making me more nervous.

A kitchen with a sink and a toaster oven

11. I hope she looks good.

12. Wait, what does she look like?

13. What are you talking about, of course you know what she looks like…right?

14. Then where the hell is she?

15. Oh.

16. Wow.

17. She looks so pretty.

18. I look like crap. I hate this shirt.

A group of people in the snow

19. Should we shake hands? Hug?

20. Ok, she’s going for the hug. 

21. Should I take my coat off? It’s kind of part of my look.

22. What’s the manliest drink I can possibly order.

23. Whiskey. Old Fashioned.

24. She looks like a wine girl.

25. What is this server talking about?

26. I hope she understands that, because I’m lost.

27. I know what a steak costs, dynamite roll…. no clue.

28. Sh*t, I can’t use chopsticks. 

29. You can eat sushi with your hands, right?

30. Stop looking at her mouth you moron.

29. Why are we talking about work? 

30. I literally haven’t looked at my phone in an hour.

31. Nothing important is happening anyway.

32. Then why does it feel like a bomb in my pocket.

33. When she goes to the bathroom I can look at it.

34. You’re pathetic.

35. Ok going to try these chopsticks.

36. Pshh, not hard.

37. Sh*t.

A group of people in the snow

38. Just dropped a $6 bite.

39. Dessert? Only if she wants it.

40. Here comes the check.

41. Like $120 tops…. right?

42. Got to look at this as quick as possible.

43. Keep smiling.

44. 256 dollars! WHAT THE F**K!

45. Keep smiling.

46. Gotta figure out a second job to pay for this disaster.

47. Still smiling like nothing happened.

48. Better get a kiss after this.

49. I hate this part.

50. Sooooo grab a drink somewhere?

51. Yes!

52. Ok, where?

53. Why can’t I think of a single bar?

54. God, I just want to kiss her.

55. Focus.

56. Let’s just get in a cab and head downtown before you change your mind.

57. This is actually fun. I should do this more often.

and the rest is history…

A group of people in the snow