You thought awards season was over?
Nah, not even close.
What are we calling these awards? I have no idea. Partially inspired by the Dundies (so maybe these are the Riffies?) and voted on by absolutely nobody but me, here are my 2020 Year-End Awards that you won’t find anywhere else.
Best Murder Ballad: “Martha Divine” by Ashley McBryde
Country music needs more murder ballads, so in an effort to recognize somebody who is doing her part in bringing them back, this year’s award for Best Murder Ballad goes to “Martha Divine” by Ashley McBryde. And let’s be honest, Ashley McBryde is one of the few country artists that you could 100% picture actually chopping somebody up with a shovel. She’s just that badass.
Florida Man of the Year: Bud Light Mike
A late entry into the category, Bud Light Mike takes home the award for Florida Man of the Year for his love of Bud Light that frequently leads him to the wrong side of the law.
Worst Sense of Direction: Kane Brown
Kane Brown took an early lead in this category, but then he got lost on his own property and had to call the police to help him find his way to the win. But he finally made it out of the woods in time to claim his award for Worst Sense of Direction.
Horniest Song: “You Make It Hard” by Hot Country Knights ft. Terri Clark
It’s been a big year for the Hot Country Knights. They recently won the award for Best Duo/Group Performance at the first annual CountryMusicStuff Subreddit Awards (run YouTuber Grady Smith), and now they’re taking home another trophy* for Horniest Song.
*There is no trophy
Best Social Media: Koe Wetzel
Obviously we can’t choose Whiskey Riff for this one because we’re playing fair. But the clear winner in this category is Koe Wetzel, whose unfiltered takes on…well, just about anything, make him a must-follow on Twitter.
Best Mustache: Riley Green
I mean, look at it.
Best Music to Play During Sexy Time: Luke Combs
While there’s no scientific way to measure this (yet), I feel pretty confident in saying that between “Beautiful Crazy,” “Better Together” and “Forever After All,” there were more babies made to Luke Combs’ music this year than any other country singer – except maybe Wheeler Walker Jr. But because Wheeler’s music is so damn funny that it can be distracting in the heat of the moment, Best Music to Play During Sexy Time goes to Luke Combs.
The Best Sad Song That I Both Love and Hate at the Same Time: “Maggie’s Song” by Chris Stapleton
I both love and hate Chris Stapleton for this damn song. I love him because dogs are better than people and deserve all the songs written about them, but I hate him because I can’t listen to this without tearing up thinking about the heartbreak of losing a dog. So for that, “Maggie’s Song” gets the coveted Best Sad Song That I Both Love and Hate at the Same Time award.
Biggest Crybaby: Tie – Brittney Kelley and Tyler Hubbard
If the ACM Awards can do it so can we – so I’m calling this a tie, and both winners happen to come to us courtesy of Florida Georgia Line. First we have Brittney Kelley, wife of one half of Florida Georgia Line, for her absolutely chickenshit move of sharing Steve’s personal Instagram account to try to get her followers to attack his family. Then we have Tyler Hubbard, the other half of Florida Georgia Line, for unfollowing his partner and bandmate on social media over the election.
Rowdiest Bar: Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock ‘N Roll Steakhouse
In a year where a lot of bars were either shut down or forced to operate at a severely reduced capacity, one bar still managed to stay in the headlines for all of the rowdy shit that happened there. Kid Rock’s bar in downtown Nashville had its beer license pulled for refusing to follow capacity limits, kicked out Morgan Wallen for breaking a glass which resulted in his arrest, and just this past week had their front door punched out by a woman who was pissed that she had to leave at closing time.
Not many bars are still this rowdy during a pandemic, so Kid Rock’s easily takes the title of Rowdiest Bar.
Best Album by a Suspected Serial Killer: FUN, Garth Brooks
Where are the bodies, Garth? The families need closure.
Best Breakup Song: “Dicked Down in Dallas” by Trey Lewis
Another late entrant this year that managed to pull off the upset. “Dicked Down in Dallas” managed to take the title of Best Breakup Song by going mega-viral on TikTok and being stuck in my head for a damn week.
The “I Didn’t Need to See That” Award: This Woman Washing Her Privates in a Fire Hydrant in Downtown Nashville
If anybody knows this woman, let her know that she’s now an award winner. And maybe let her use your shower so she doesn’t have to wash her bits off in a fire hydrant.
Best Hard Seltzer: None of Them
They all suck. Drink bourbon.
Best Song About Polyester: “Polyester” by Luke Dick feat. Miranda Lambert
Not gonna lie, this category was a little light on entries this year. But luckily, Luke Dick and Miranda Lambert came through with a heater and managed to take home the award for Best Song About Polyester with their song “Polyester.”
Biggest Tease: Eric Church
It’s been 6 months since we got our first taste of new music from Eric Church and we still don’t have the new album. Or is it albums? He teased a double album, and then dropped songs with alternating blue and red cover art for a few months, and then threw a wrench into the double album theory with a purple cover for his latest release, “Through My Ray Bans.”
When are we getting a new album? Are we getting a double album? What do the colors mean? Nobody likes a tease, Eric. (Just kidding, we obviously love you).
Hardest Partier: Tie – Miranda Lambert and Morgan Wallen
We have ANOTHER tie! Two in one awards show? That’s literally never happened before. (I don’t know if it’s happened before or not). But anyway, the award for Hardest Partier is another tie between Miranda Lambert, who was seen at the CMA Awards pouring liquor from a water bottle into her drink (she also had her own cooler), and Morgan Wallen, who managed to get himself in trouble a couple times this year for partying a little too hard. But hey, he’s in great company.
Best Cardi B Cover: Margo Price
There were a surprising number of entries in this category in 2020, thanks to the release of Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s “WAP.” But the best cover comes from none other than Margo Price, coincidentally (not really a coincidence) for her own cover of “WAP” on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah.
The WTF Did I Just Watch? Award: Mason Ramsey in a cow fart commercial
Umm…WTF did I just watch?
Best Shotgun: Luke Combs
Another stacked category. And this one was a close race between Luke Combs and Morgan Wallen (who managed to absolutely smoke Luke Bryan in a shotgun contest with Luke’s own beer). But ultimately the winner for Best Shotgun has to be Luke Combs for his now-award-winning shotgun during the opener of this year’s CMT Awards. The technique, the setting, the total lack of spillage…this is how it’s done.
So there you have it… your 2020 Whiskey Riff Year-End Award winners.
Did your favorite artist win? Who do you think got snubbed? What categories did I miss?
Let me hear it – and maybe next year we’ll put these to a vote (but probably not).