Here’s How To Get Drunk Carb-Free And Feel Like Less Of A Piece Of S**t

If you’re reading this and you’re 21, I envy you.

The older you get, the more your body turns to shit, becomes more sensitive, you lose a little a lot of that recovery capability when it comes to boozing.

Too many beers at 28 and you start getting fat as shit. That’s life. Too many Jack and Cokes and you start getting fat as shit. That’s just life, guys.

There is some good news. You can get equally as drunk as you used to quicker, and cheaper. Cheaper because you simply can’t handle the quantity, so you buy less drinks. Quicker because as you get older, well, that’s what happens.

A person holding a trophy

So, if you want to avoid getting a Chevy tire around your gut, here’s what you need to drink.






For the most part, pure spirits are zero carb. Also, water is zero carb, as is ice (ice comes from water). So drinking pure liquor, with water or ice will keep your figure as is. Soda water is fine too.

Beers are full of carbs, basically liquid bread. Tastes great, but if you drink 30 Busch Lights a night you’re going to get fat.

Anything with mixers like soda, tonic, juices are basically like drinking melted Starburst. So you will get fat. Stick to straight liquor if you want to get silly drunk and not get fat.

See ya, guys. I’m having my bourbon neat as I type…

A beer bottle on a dock


A beer bottle on a dock