Investigation Concludes Canada Man Who Claimed To Be Attacked By Cougar Was Full Of It

mountain lion

The boy who cried wolf? How about the man-baby who cried cougar?

To be clear, I love Canada. Lived there during childhood and adulthood for a time. The stereotypical kindness you come to expect from those who reside North of the Border rings true 99% of the time. But how nice is it for all the “Florida Man” miscreants we have to deal with here in the US of A that there’s finally a Canada Man who did something stupid as hell and told on himself for being an idiot?

According to a report by Cathy Ellis of Rocky Mountain Outlook, the alleged cougar attack that occurred in February at Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada, never actually happened. A forensic investigation was conducted, which revealed no cougar DNA traces among collected samples, nor was there any evidence of cougar activity at the scene. The cuts on the man’s face “were reportedly not consistent with a cougar attack.”

Who’s the clown who spun this yarn, spouted this lie, and gained a mild amount of fame and claims of courage from adoring news consumers? Spencer Weilermann, age 23.

Now listen, the vast majority of us males were morons when we were 23 years old. Not breaking news. But like, as far as clout-chasing and fibbing for attention? I feel like the grace period for that ends well in advance of the time when you should be about finished with college. Or if you’re like Spencer, maybe you’re too much of an extreme-hiking edge lord and you don’t need trivial things like books to learn the ways of the world. Just nature, dude. And maybe a tall tale to make you a false folk hero.

Shall we kick this young man while he’s down and retroactively laugh/pick apart his body language and vocal cadence on one of his stops around various news outlets?

Yes. Yes we shall…

Come on, dawg. What are we doing?

Take a look at all his quotes strung together from CTV’s news package, and you can already see the inconsistencies in Spencer’s attempt at self-lionization (nature pun intended):

“All of a sudden, I felt this giant weight on my shoulder. Something came around onto my face right here. With the momentum of it jumping on me, I just grabbed as much hair as I could, chucked it off my shoulder, and we kinda did a front flip, and then we tumbled down the hill.

First thought was just to go for the eyes or the nose. So I’m just throwing as many punches… I had spikes on my boots, so I’m trying to just kick and just sprawl. I’m screaming, I’m yelling.”

My man, you’re telling me your first thought was to somehow punch the cougar, even though it attacked you from behind? And even though you said you went straight for the hair first, and chucked the beast over your shoulder? We’re already off the rails. That’s a wrap. Goodbye.

Since Spencer went to the hospital, the injuries he suffered were real I suppose, but the fictional attack occurred when he fell down a hill. So the guy basically threw himself down a hill — or fell on accident like a klutz — and pretended like the cuts to his face were the work of a wild cougar. High class.

What’s even sadder is that the news touched on an actual, fatal cougar attack from 2001. If that victim’s family is still around, how do you suppose they feel about all this, Spencer? Especially when you say that cougar attacks are so rare, that it shouldn’t stop anyone from venturing into the wilderness, and that you’re going camping next weekend!? DUDE. Such a short-sighted, ill-fated “look at me” scheme.

Park Canada spent hours of manpower (and womanpower), resources, and wasted time to carry out this investigation when Spencer could’ve come clean instead.

I don’t know if he faces any legal ramifications for this. He should if this is coming out of taxpayers’ pockets, which I assume it is. What a fraudulent schmuck.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock