There’s No Way Florida State WR Keon Coleman’s Pregame Meal Doesn’t Lead To Catastrophic Bowel Movements

Keon COleman
The Battle's End

Florida State wide receiver Keon Coleman is almost certain to be a first-round pick in the 2024 NFL Draft. He’s an athletic freakazoid who’s listed at 6-foot-4, 215 pounds, with tremendous hands, crazy burst/YAC ability for his size and seemingly the right stuff all-around to be a productive pro.

But. And. Keon Coleman has some room to improve from a nutritional standpoint. Check out his breakdown of a typical pregame meal, courtesy of The Battle’s End on TikTok:

@thebattlesend Would you get the Keon Coleman? #fsufootball #fsu #football #collegefootball #cfp #ncaaf #ncaafootball #seminoles #noles #norvell #fyp #foryoupage #funny #keoncoleman ♬ Ambition For Cash – Key Glock

In case you need the full rap sheet of Coleman’s typical McDonald’s consumption in textual form:

-Two Hot n’ Spicy McChickens with cheese/extra mayo

-Medium fries

-Oreo McFlurry

-10-piece Chicken McNugget

Yeah, if Keon Coleman pulls a Lamar Jackson and heads to the locker room for IV/cramp treatment mid-game, at least we’ll all know for certain what’s really going on.

Look, y’all. I’m not here to food shame. Or to “you are what you eat” condescend to this young man. Keon Coleman is an elite athlete and is just 20 years old. The amount of calories he’s burning off, and how much he needs just to fuel himself, are mind-boggling to contemplate.

I’m just saying, for me, if I had that much mayo/dairy/McDonald’s-grade chicken entering my gut, and mixed that with any pre-kickoff nerves, I would be on the toilet for the rest of the afternoon. A late unhealthy scratch. Game-time decisions and I’m a no-go. Incapacitated. Stationary in a stall. Projectile purging on some poor porcelain throne in perpetuity.

Although he’s not quite touching Shedeur Sanders’ multi-million dollar NIL valuation, Coleman is doing just fine for himself at almost $800,000.

I get college living. Eating on a budget. It’s good to practice financial responsibility so early on, but to Keon Coleman, I must say, young sir: Maybe take some of that NIL cash and invest in some sorta clean-eating meal plan, or a nutrient-dense delivery service. They’re out there! You can do this. I believe in you.

In all seriousness, once Coleman starts ramping up for the professional ranks, I’m sure he’ll clean up his diet situation. Then again, DK Metcalf is out here eating literal bags of candy, rocking like a dangerously low body fat percentage, and dunking on NFL DBs like it’s nothing.

@shobasketball With NFL Training Camp season upon us, here a reminder how wild DK Metcalf’s diet is. 😳 Watch all episodes of KG Certified on the SHOWTIME Basketball YouTube or listen on all major podcast platforms. #nba #nfl #dkmetcalf #kevingarnett #kgcertified #showtimebasketball ♬ original sound – SHOWTIME Basketball

Different strokes for Built-Different folks. Whatever. Don’t listen to me if you don’t want to, Keon Coleman. Do your thing. Keep making ridiculous one-handed catches and huge plays. Try to get that natty with the Seminoles before you go pro.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock