Signed, Sober You: An Open Letter To My Dad Self Before I Fail To Act My Age & Sustain Several Injuries At The Koe Wetzel Show

Koe Wetzel country music
Wesley Painter Media

Dear Me at the Koe Wetzel Show,

Remember what we talked about: take five deep breaths, hydrate, and come home with both ACL’s intact.

You can do it. Even though you’re probably about 3.5 beers deep midway through Ben Burgess’ opening set, and you’re starting to visualize your reckless plunge into the pit as soon as Koe sings the opening line to “Forever,” I still believe in you.

Take five deep breaths, hydrate (with water this time…), and remember that your heyday in the circle pits at the Vans Warped Tour are about two decades in the rearview mirror.

Act your age, and you’ll be fine.

I know it’ll be tempting to throw some elbows around and show Gen Z what JV football run-blocking looked like circa 2000 during “Fuss & Fight” and “Something to Talk About.”

But I’ve got news for you: it’s not your fight. Let the kids leave battered and bloodied while you save that deductible on your health insurance for something more age-appropriate, like acid reflux or throwing your back out while moving a small bookcase.

Take five deep breaths, hydrate, and forget about that guy who just bumped into you without saying “sorry.” He’s pretty big, and you don’t want to end up in a viral dad-fight video.

One last thing: remember that your decision-making capabilities have been compromised, and it’s not just because of those three “final” trips to the bar. Koe’s presence alone has been known in the state of Florida to cause blackout conditions. Tread carefully. After all, it’s a school night.

I’ll say it again: take five deep breaths, hydrate, and… who am I kidding? It’s Koe Fuckin’ Wetzel.

Go nuts, buddy. You deserve it.


Sober You

P.S.: There’s an ice pack in the freezer, and an appointment with the orthopedist on your calendar. You’re welcome.

“Fuss & Fight”

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock