Kyle Shanahan’s Glorious Mustache Stole The Show At Christian McCaffrey’s Wedding

Matt Fitzgerald·
CULTURESPORTS
·
Kyle Shanahan
@49ers

San Francisco 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan attended the wedding for Christian McCaffrey and his wife Olivia Culpo. Oh yes he did. With more than a pinch of class, flair, and mojo. As you can tell from the headline, no, I’m not referencing Shanahan’s typically dapper, clean-cut fashion sense. The topic in question here goes beyond Shanny’s macro biological being.

Shanahan debuted a mustache none of us knew we needed but can’t imagine a world without.

Like Helen of Troy’s face once upon a time, Shanny’s ‘stache could launch a thousand ships of proper ladies from Wonder Woman’s utopian native island of Themyscira. That’s how hot it is.

Column idea for San Francisco’s finest local media peeps: Is Kyle Shanahan’s Mustache The X-Factor That Will Finally Get The 49ers Over The Hump For The Super Bowl?

No but really, I was taken aback when I saw the new facial hair. It aged him a good seven years. Maybe that is the edge Shanahan needs to put his hands on the Lombardi Trophy at long last! No longer the play-calling wizard. The aging mage whose experiences have hardened him into more of a Vecna than an Eleven — though his mustache is an Eleven Out of Ten, to be clear.

All the reactions that poured in will, at least for the time being, mask for the fact that Shanahan may or may not have understood overtime rules during that Super Bowl loss to the Chiefs. Kicking off the proceedings is a callback to Jeff Fisher that I felt compelled to explain in case nobody else got it.

The consensus seems to side with me on this one. Most NFL followers will be crestfallen if Kyle busts out the razor between now and training camp and/or Week 1.

Think about how much of a bummer that’d truly be. Shanahan is only about four years older than Aaron Rodgers. The 49ers host the Jets on Monday Night Football to begin the 2024 campaign. Last we saw of Rodgers on IG, he had a well-groomed mustache on full display:

The Rodgers vs. Shanahan mustache-off would suddenly transcend the Xs and Os and all the other Jimmy’s and Joe’s on the field of battle. That facial hair compare and contrast is the most compelling matchup in the event Shanny keeps it on and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Plus, the 49ers coach could stand to give his younger quarterback, Brock Purdy, some of that Uncle Rico-inspired gall to throw the football over them mountains.

And I say that because Purdy shied away from a lot of deep ball opportunities in pivotal moments last season. He was still plenty good enough to get them through the NFC. Don’t freak out. Just saying, the mustache from Shanahan is a considerate gesture to his field general. A means of offsetting the undeniable swagger Rodgers rocks, even sans ‘stache.

This is a subtextual warning shot from Shanahan to A-A-Rodg. Shanny’s already on point on the finer details. Rodgers is skipping mandatory minicamp for an exotic international excursion.

When push comes to shove in September, then again in January and February, you tell me which mustachioed franchise foreman gives his team a greater edge. The edge lies with Shanahan as of now. I eagerly await Rodgers’ rebuttal whenever he resurfaces. If this all sounds a little outlandish or far-fetched, well, think about which star QB kind of hijacked this article towards the end.

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