We As A Society Must Hereby Demand A Weekly Charles Barkley Helium Voice Segment

Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley has one of the most singular, iconic vocal delivery in the history of the human race. Some actual genius producers in charge of CBS’ Final Four coverage decided it’d be a bright idea to put a helium voice modulator into Chuck’s microphone, and the results were remarkable.

Kenny Smith offered to double the salaries of those who masterminded this scheme if they agreed to keep Barkley’s mic that way for the rest of the night, and I wish they had. Still, this couple minutes of television rivaled Tracy Wolfson’s interview with Zach Edey as the best non-basketball part of the Final Four.

For whatever reason, Sir Charles started shouting out a bunch of celebrities. Don’t know if they were in attendance, or what the deal was. It frankly doesn’t matter. One of the stars was Samuel L. Jackson. Now I want Samuel L. as a guest on set where he and Chuck can just gab whilst hopped up on helium.

When Barkley says, “Hey man, I really hate y’all,” I don’t know how you can’t get a good chuckle out of that.

Hearing Chipmunk’d Charles Barkley comment on a massive airborne blimp bearing his likeness has to be one of the most bizarre moments ever seen in sports television. He goes on the offensive at Clark Kellogg and tells him he knows he wants one of those blimps. The way he delivers that line is uncannily comedic.

“I can’t believe you Ernie, selling me out like this,” Barkley says to punctuate the segment.

What more needs to be said about this? Somebody fire up the Change dot org petition to get Barkley on helium for weekly segments in perpetuity. In this divided, polarized society of ours, can’t we all agree that Charles Barkley is awesome, and Charles Barkley speaking with a helium vocal modulator is even more awesome? Come on, y’all. We can build on this. We can rally around this. Let’s make it happen.

PS, it’s kind of a shame that UConn wound up smoking Alabama in the nightcap. The following scenario Chuck outlined at halftime didn’t come to pass.

I would’ve given anything to see a wild Barkley out in the streets of Glendale, helium mic in hand, doing candid interviews with celebrating fans.

As bitter as the Bama-Auburn rivalry is, I’m pretty sure the Crimson Tide faithful would be hyped to get to interact with the Round Mound of Rebound himself.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock