Machine Gun Kelly is a wildly successful musician who has a clear passion for the Cleveland Browns. Seems like a lot of things have broken right in his life. Being a Browns fan isn’t one of them, so I send him condolences for that.
Why even put this out into the universe, MGK? You know Travis Kelce ain’t leaving Kansas City to come to Cleveland. It’d take a lot more than $500,000 to persuade Kelce to part from an-already legendary quarterback in Patrick Mahomes.
But hey, I guess I credit the hustle here from MGK. He’s using his platform and influential position in society to try to pull off great personnel moves.
“I will give you $500,000 cash upon arrival just for shopping or whatever you want, as well as matching that same amount as a donation to both of our high schools, both Shaker Heights and Cleveland Heights, as well as everyday breakfast and coffee delivery from my restaurant.”
MGK added that he’d create beats in the locker room to sweeten the deal. Kelce actually took it more seriously than you’d think, professed his love for the Cleveland area, and explained how it was always his “original dream” to play for the Browns.
“You know how much we love the east side of Cleveland, the Heights, Shaker Heights, Cleveland Heights, you already know brother.
I’m not gonna lie — situation’s really good in Kansas City.”
He just turned 34 in October. Clock’s a tickin’ if Kelce wanted to jump ship — MGK perks in tow or not.
…But come on. You really think Taylor Swift is going to go for a move to Cleveland?? NAH.
I’m kidding, Clevelanders. Calm down. I can hear you yelling at me already.
In all seriousness, the only way I could see Kelce ditching the Chiefs would be if his brother, Jason, retired and unretired, and then decided to give it one last ride for his hometown team. Then convince Travis to come over. That’s a pretty long-odds scenario. Still, Browns fans will be all like:
You had your chance at Travis Kelce, Cleveland! Actually, you had several. Not to depress you any further — lord knows having Deshaun Watson as the face of your franchise is tough enough — but Kelce was a third-round pick (63rd overall) in the 2013 NFL Draft. A class that was one of the worst top to bottom I can recall in my lifetime.
Who’d the geniuses who were running the Browns at the time draft from the class of ’13, you ask? Well to be fair, they were without their second-round pick that they’d used on Josh Gordon the previous year. But uhh…Barkevious Mingo at sixth overall? WOOF, Dawg Pound. Woof.
That’s like the 3,58th most tragic occurrence in Cleveland sports. Harsh lives those goodhearted people lead.
Seems like the Browns front office could use MGK, though. Or maybe he could sit down with owner Jimmy Haslam and, you know, try to dissuade him from giving the largest fully-guaranteed contract in NFL history at the time of signing to a QB who was described as “predatory” by the commissioner of the National Football League! Just thinking out loud here!
MGK, you’ve conquered the music world. Let’s get you in to shadow Cleveland GM Andrew Berry. I’m sure the big-brained Harvard-ness that Berry exudes will rub off on you at least a little bit. You’ll be a premium talent evaluator in no time.
Finding the next Travis Kelce via those means or other methods is the only way MGK can redeem himself from getting desperate Browns fans all excited about a Kelce homecoming that will Never. Period. Ever. Period. Happen. Period. I’m going typed-out punctuation for double periods to emphasize this because that very act makes just about as much sense as it would for Kelce to ever leave Mahomes’ side.
