“You Can’t End Sex On Even Numbers” – Chad Johnson To Terrell Owens, As They Recount Sleeping With 17 Women In 12 Hours

Terrell Owens and CHad Ochocinco
Vallery Jean/WireImage via Getty Images

Haters will say Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens were the classic diva NFL wide receivers, but you can never knock their talent, productivity on the field, or, apparently, their sexual stamina.

That’s right. Just when this writer thought he had his fill of horned-up content from middle-aged men in sports courtesy of Stephen A. Smith, Ochocinco and T.O. had to pull up on IG live and bring this stunning achievement to everyone’s attention:

Talk about a marathon of sprints. These guys are used to going full tilt on the gridiron, and then jogging back to the huddle to do it all over again. I guess it’s a similar kind of biological rhythm here.

OK but I don’t care what kind of world-class shape you’re in. To be honest, I’m a little shocked Ochocinco’s heart didn’t give out at some point. That man famously eats McDonald’s every damn day. He must just burn it all off straight away, because this type of output has “deceased during sex” written all over it.

Good for T.O. trying to downplay the body count. He contended that it was more like 12 women. One for every hour. That seems a little more reasonable. I don’t know how you have that much seed to spray, but hey, these men move their bodies as athletes in the most mysterious of ways. They didn’t hear no bell.

And to do all this in the Dominican Republic? What was the setup like there? Who were all these women? Where are they now? This begs so many more questions that I can only fathom the answers to. Can we get a mini documentary where the 17 women are all interviewed about that fateful day? Title it something like, Ochocinco and T.O.: Dicks Out in DR?

Unclear what year this was when Ochocinco and T.O. had a one-day conquest for the ages. I would still be physically incapacitated from that kind of action, along with pretty much any other reasonable human being. Why didn’t they just never fly back and adopt a Charlie Sheen “goddesses” polygamous paradigm? You know, minus all the problematic sh*t and the drug use and so on.

I guess they still had football to play or other stateside business to tend to. But these dudes got AFTER IT. Damn.

I long for simpler times when we were lauding these wideouts for amazing, explosive plays on the gridiron, along with the greatest touchdown celebrations. Apparently, when these dudes really wanna celebrate, they can harness that explosiveness in the bedroom in the most extraordinary ways.

All I gotta say in closing is, our guys Chad and Terrell must have sperm reserves the likes of which have never been seen. If AI or the aliens threaten us, we need to protect these guys at all costs. Ensure their survival so they can continue the human race. So what if they’re in their 40s? No matter when this DR orgy transpired, that type of libido is not easily lost.

Great way to bring us home incoming. For the record, T.O. has four children by four different women, while Ochocinco has at least twice as many kids and favorably compares himself to the likes of Nick Cannon and Future.

…Who Dey?

TO and Ochocinco

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock