What else can you do but salute Stephen A. Smith here?
The famous ESPN sports personality doesn’t have to side-hustle with his own show. He could collect First Take checks, scream pure ignorance on live TV, kick back and literally do nothing else and enjoy himself however he pleases.
Instead, he’s out here grinding, giving the world what they want from every 56-year-old man with a so-so physique: Sex life advice. F*ck yeah, Stephen A. To be honest, I can’t disagree with the man’s logic here regarding his answer to a pointed fan question.
Do you want a transcription? Is that…yeah? OK. You got it, babe.
“Worst day of the week to be horny, to me, is Sunday night. ‘Cause chances are most people gotta work Monday morning. And the week hasn’t started yet. And a lot of times, you wanna relax, wind down, and enjoy the end of the weekend before you get into the muck and mire — the hustle — of the week.
I mean I’m assuming you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do several times a week. But the worst DAY to be horny is Sunday.”
Great, Stephen A! BRILLIANT. That’s a wrap let’s go home now and —
Oh wait. There’s more! Unprompted, Stevie gives us a glimpse into when he’s most likely to get down! LET’S. F*CKING. GO. SEND IT.
“The best day is a Friday and Saturday night. Because Friday and Saturday she lookin’ to go out in most instances. And if you go out, it’s been a wonderful evening and then…you wanna CLOSE.
Clooose. As in C-L-O-S-E. Not C-L-O-T-H-E-S. You wanna close. That’s closing.”
Y’all. I am wheezing over here. I’m about ready to tap out. Yet I persist. Because I love you.
The expectation on Friday and Saturday, Stephen A. further explains, is that you’re going to be ready to step up and handle your business. As for other weekdays? Seggz is a take it or leave it sort of proposition.
I thoroughly, profoundly dig how Stephen A. is getting all seductive-sounding, or at least what he perceives it to be seductive.
What are you doing to us, Steve? Tryina get us all hot and bothered on a Thursday afternoon!? Come on! We’re so close to pitch perfect peak prime horny sexy time!
That should absolutely be a political campaign slogan. Alliteration. Rhymes. Good vibes. Stephen A., have me as your VP on the 2028 ticket. We’ll be dwelling on Pennsylvania Avenue in no time, going HAM on Fridays and Saturdays like nobody’s business. Not to mention, deep-diving into the sealed UFO/alien documents.
Sunday nights are for watching football when it’s in-season anyway. Those of us who cover sports for a living have to be on the ball in case crazy sh*t goes down. We true professionals can’t be bothered with trivial trysts when there are vital stories to tell. Horniness doesn’t even enter the equation. Too much of a distraction. Waste of creative chi.
In all seriousness, thank you Stephen A. Smith. You are a true patriot. It’s Thursday. We’ve got football tonight. But on Friday, Stephen A., please be sure to go out on the town and, afterwards, CLOOOOOOOOOOOSE.
The clarification between “close” and clothes” was just…
