He’s At It Again: Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones Says Winning A Championship Is “The Absolute Glory Hole”

Jerry Jones Cowboys
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At some stage of his 81 years spinning around on this star in space, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones came to associate “glory hole” with the best of times. Now I don’t know much, but I do know that glory hole has a pretty unambiguous meaning in most walks of life. It certainly can be a fleeting great time for some. I’m just not convinced the man knows what he’s really saying.

Mr. Jones either does not care to look further into this matter, or he has investigated it for himself and still does not care. I suppose when you run the highest-valued franchise in professional North American sports and have f*ck you money, you can’t be bothered with such trivial matters. That leads us to today! Glory Hole Jerry is at it again in discussing the Texas Rangers’ World Series win!

Now why do I say, “at it again” or imply that Jones has a history of saying this phrase? Because he does, of course. Come on. This isn’t coming from nowhere.

Check out a brief history below, from about 11 years or so ago. Full transcription and all.

My man, what are we doing? Some geezers like to cling to corny catchphrases to keep themselves feeling young. Innocent enough. Jerry, here? He gets animated when talking about that Lombardi Trophy, or any sports championship in general.

If you already weren’t set against cheering for America’s Team for all the valid reasons that exist as is, maybe you can rally around this cause. Should we start a Change dot org petition to make Jerry refrain from the “glory hole” talk with such reckless abandon for proper context? Or is that too First Amendment-infringing? What else can we do?

Us media folk types can only say, write or do so much to raise Jerry Jones’ awareness of what a glory hole is universally accepted to be. Not whatever colloquialism Jerry is referring to in perpetuity.

Hey Jerry, can I interest you in a one-paragraph explanation (Big J Journalism research here, btw) from Wikipedia? No, you won’t listen? F*ck it. We roll anyway.

“A glory hole (also spelled gloryhole and glory-hole) is a hole in a wall or partition, often between public lavatory cubicles or sex video arcade booths and lounges, for people to engage in sexual activity or observe the person on the opposite side.”

Alright, how about a joke from The Princess Bride to snap you out of it?

No? Whatever, man. Just know that I had to scan X/formerly Twitter to find an actual video of your latest “glory hole” remark. I needed to fully understand what led to your latest utterance. And let me tell you, my afternoon/general consciousness was unmistakably altered. So thank you for that…

If the Cowboys win the Super Bowl, good for them. They generate so much hype on their own because of the brand Jerry has had a huge hand in building them into. Their fans haven’t seen an NFC Championship Game in about two decades.

Is it too much to ask, though, if and when that does occur, that Jerry Jones doesn’t snag that hardware from Goodell, raise it high in the air, and exclaim, “WE’RE BACK IN OUR GLORY HOLE DAYS BAY-BEEE YEAAAAAAAH!!!!”

My ears are preemptively bleeding. Jerry, it’s OK man. Let it gooooooooooooo. Kindly find another way to express yourself if you do achieve the NFL’s most coveted prize someday soon. Or when discussing a championship involving any other sport.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock