There are two types of people in this world: fantasy football commissioners and people who think their fantasy football commissioner sucks.
This week, we learned that Mike Trout is not only a star outfielder for the LA Angels and a future Hall of Famer: he’s also the hapless, long-suffering commissioner of the most infamous fantasy football league in the world right now. And naturally, the guys in his league think he sucks.
A former member of Trout’s league, Tommy Pham, a man who will slap the shit out of you if you make illegal roster moves and talk trash to him, said this about Trout in an interview with the Cincinnati Enquirer:
“Trout did a terrible job, man. Trout is the worst commissioner in fantasy sports because he allowed a lot of shit to go on, and he could’ve solved it all.
I don’t want to be the f*cking commissioner; I’ve got other shit to do. He didn’t want to do it. We put it on him, so it’s kind of our fault too because we made him commissioner.”
In the time it took him to slap Joc Pederson across the face, earn a three-game suspension, and incite the most irredeemable benches-clearing brawl in baseball history, Tommy Pham perfectly summed up what it’s like to be the commissioner of a fantasy football league, just like Mike Trout.
As Commissioner, you must set and enforce the rules, collect money and distribute winnings, investigate and punish potential wrongdoing, and rule over conflicts as judge, jury, and executioner, all while trying not to end up in last place yourself. Most likely, you are volunteering your time to bring joy and comradery to a group of friends or family members.
Most definitely, you are up late at night fielding text messages about how unfair the draft process was, or how lame it is that we’re not a 12-team PPR auction keeper league, or how the next live draft just has to be poolside in Vegas and it would have happened by now if only we had some true leadership here.
Perhaps, like Trout, you were forced into the job by other, self-important league members who “don’t want to be the (bleeping) commissioner [and] got other (stuff) to do,” unlike you and your “copious” free time. Poor Mike Trout, when he’s not mashing baseballs as the best player of his generation, is one of those guys.
And now, thanks to Tommy Pham, everyone knows that Mike Trout “sucks” at being a commissioner.
True to form, the understated Trout, when asked if he would resign as commissioner after the “scandal,” dropped this wisdom on us:
“Every commissioner I know always gets booed.”
It’s a thankless job, but somebody’s got to do it. And I’m proud to say that I join Mike Trout as a fellow fantasy football commissioner.
Throw us under the bus all you want, Tommy Pham and Degenerate-Fantasy-Nerd and Likes-To-Complain-Guy: you know who you are, and you know that you need us. Now stop complaining and start studying. You’ve got 75 days until Draft Day.
And this year, don’t blame Mike Trout when it’s your fantasy team that sucks.
