This Drunk Guy Dragging A Dead Deer Into Walmart To Steal Beer Is My Favorite Bedtime Story

A man with glasses

We’re dipping into the vault today for look back at one of life’s greatest bedtime stories.

From back in 2017, it’s the story of a drunk Oregon man that wheeled a deer carcass into a Walmart so he could steal some beer.

According to the Roseburg Police, it goes a little something like this…

Jesse Canida entered Walmart on Monday, October 30 around 12:20pm with a cart full of empty cans and a deer carcass.

Police said Canida was intoxicated and picked up multiple 24 oz beers and attempted to conceal them among the other things in his cart.

They said when loss prevention attempted to get the beers back from him he refused, and so officers were called and met him at the back door of the store.

Canida was cited and released. 

Cited? That’s it?

If I pulled a stunt like that here in Chicago, I’d probably get shot.

However, looking at this guy, I’m not surprised one bit that he would be the type to try and wheel a deer carcass into a Walmart in order to cause a distraction, and hide some stolen beer.

I mean, if I were a betting man (and I am, I just usually lose) and you lined up every single man and woman on planet Earth, and told me to pick out the person that wheeled a dead deer into a Walmart, I would still bet that THIS was the guy that would do something like that.

I’m picking Jesse Canida (not Canada) out of that lineup every damn time.

What he really needed though was a partner.

Somebody rolls the dead deer into the Walmart, causes the scene, while the OTHER person steals the beer. But, it sounds like Jesse was a little lost in the sauce and that’s when mistakes happen. Execution was poor, but he had the right idea.

Maybe if you’re thinking of robbing a bank, drag a deer carcass in there and see what happens. When nobody is looking, because they’re distracted by the deer, sneak into the vault and take all the money.

Now playing: The Town 2, starring Ben Affleck, Jesse Canida, and a dead deer. Boom.

I mean really, the only thing missing from this story is Florida.

If I could start this blog off with “Florida Man,” it would be a 10 out of 10.

A man with glasses

A beer bottle on a dock

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A beer bottle on a dock