Oz Pearlman might be the best in the biz. The mentalist biz. I assume that’s a thing. Seriously, it takes years of skill, intuition — and yes, dark magic in my opinion — to be this bang-on about so many things you could not seemingly have any way of knowing about.
I covered my guy Oz back in the Barstool days, which led him to DM me, which led to him appearing on Pardon My Take. So I’m always on the lookout for this guy whenever he pops up. He loves to visit sports teams. Last I saw he was blowing Aaron Rodgers’ mind harder than ayahuasca during the Jets’ Hard Knocks run.
Hacking into star running back Blake Corum’s phone kicks off the proceedings. He guessed a six-digit passcode. Better hand that device back to Corum! Let’s hope there aren’t messages with staffers telling Corum about the opponent’s signal for a pre-snap defensive check!
OK. I’ll do my best not to harp on Michigan’s alleged sign stealing going forward. Oz Pearlman could get to the bottom of the matter to see if there was any malfeasance way quicker than the NCAA. Why not have him as a consultant? Just trying to streamline solutions over here.
Anyway, next up — smart by Oz here to have the Wolverines’ biggest stars take center stage! — is quarterback J.J. McCarthy.Of all the questions he could ask Oz in the world, he chooses, “What was my first pet?”
“J.J. could I have possibly known what question you were going to ask me in the middle of my show?” Oz says.
“No, sir,” McCarthy replies.
Somehow, Oz deduces that McCarthy’s first pet was, in fact, a snake. Not just any snake. On the freaking whiteboard, Oz writes, “ball python.”
At this point I’m starting to hear certain iconic intro music because I’m getting freaked out.
Can only imagine what it’s like for those guys in person. All-lock. Capital WTF. Double-you. Tee. Eff.
…And after McCarthy, of course we’re going over to Jim Harbaugh. Seeing this man try to piece together what the actual f*ck is going on behind those oversized glasses and piercing wild eyes could be a true-crime suspense thriller on its own. Next time, we need more closeups of Mr. Khakis doing cranial gymnastics.
Oz asks Harbaugh to send up four players to the front of the room at random, the first of whom might be named for Superman (Kalel Mullings) and the last being McCarthy once again.
The mentalist madman’s epic finale consists of Oz revealing these big sheets of paper with all the players’ jersey numbers written on them. IN LEFT-TO-RIGHT, SEQUENTIAL ORDER OF HOW THEY’RE STANDING.
I actually feel less intelligent than Ed from Good Burger whenever I see Oz do his thing. I will never figure it out. And that’s fine. It’s more fun that way. Let some things be a beautiful mystery in this world.