Kayaking the Chicago River… it’s not for the faint of heart. One false move and you wind up in the radioactive waste pool, and the next thing you know your kids are being born with two heads. Hazmat suit required…
Living in Chicago the past 16 years, I’ve kayaked the Chicago river a few times, I’ve fished the Chicago river a ton (yeah, there’s fish in that toxic sludge), but I’ve never seen anything like this.
According to NBC Chicago, a couple of dudes (with all-time great Chicago accents) were kayaking along the Chicago river when the stumbled upon a GIANT alligator snapping turtle.
And the commentary is downright hilarious:
“Look at this guy. We got a picture of this this beautiful sight. Look at the size of that f*ckin’ thing. Oh, my god… that is a massive turtle. Is that a snapper? He’s a snapper. Look at that beast.”
But when he starts talking to this tank, you can’t help but laugh out loud:
“Hey, how ya doin’ guy, you look good. You’re healthy… holy hell, I’m real proud of you, you been eating healthy? You ever heard of liquid salad? We’ve been doin’ that, Al’s does that.
Are you happy to have spring? That’s a scene if there ever was one, look at that. We should take him out to eat.”
Gold.
Chicago River Snapper aka Chonkosaurus. Great to see this beast thriving here on what was once such a toxic river, but is slowly getting cleaned up & restored. Somebody planted a bunch of native plants up the river from here, too. I can only wonder this things been eating. pic.twitter.com/u6bhlpo4p5
— Joey Santore (@JoeySantore) May 6, 2023
Snapping turtles are native to the Chicago area and historically have been found in many freshwater habitats, including lakes, ponds, and even the Chicago River. Although, the Chicago River has been heavily impacted by pollution, efforts have been made in recent years to improve water quality and restore the river’s natural ecosystems. As a result, snapping turtles and other aquatic wildlife are slowly returning to the river and surrounding areas.
What is unique, however, is the size of this beast. You definitely don’t see a biggin’ like this around the city very often, if ever.
That being said, if you’re familiar with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the crime fighting super turtles who were exposed to toxic ooze at a young age, I’m thinking this must be the Chicago River version… who knows what kind of radioactive ooze has seeped into these waters? No way in hell this big fella grew like that on his own. Although, it appears that this “Chonkosaurus” doesn’t know martial arts…
Then again, maybe this ol’ boy is just gobbling down every giant rat that slips off the bridge and into the river… Lord knows there is a LOT of them. A never-ending buffet of disease-infested rodents might make you look like that too.
Nevertheless, Twitter was loving it, and some of the comments were almost as funny as the video:
This is not only heart-warming, but a 49-second scene study for actors who want to nail a Chicago accent. https://t.co/diDpVEnzy1
— Lucas Schuneman (@LucasSchuneman) May 12, 2023
I’m torn about what’s better here — the massive turtle or the awesome Chicago accented commentary. 🤣🤣 https://t.co/AnuQExo6I8
— Steve Grzanich (@SteveGrzanich) May 11, 2023
what would an american david attenborough sound like? it'd probably go a little like this https://t.co/xEA7GlzR5I
— nathan (@wiseposter) May 9, 2023
mans is almost too chonk for his shell https://t.co/hL5pRjej2B
— James Oberdank (@JamesOberdank) May 12, 2023
The Bears Superfans passing time in the offseason. https://t.co/0tYVFR8BLb
— KARL MULLER FOREVER (@LonelyTalegater) May 11, 2023
Chonkosaurus might be the greatest thing to come out of Chicago since the 90s Bulls https://t.co/fJR43gmPKb
— Andrew Espland (@andrewespland) May 12, 2023
I would absolutely watch Joey Santore’s Animal Planet special on chonk Chicago wildlife. https://t.co/e06wk64nXN
— Chris Emma (@CEmma670) May 9, 2023
