My Response To All The Best Receipts From Dan Campbell’s Kneecap-Biting Opening Press Conference

Dan Campbell Lions
@sportscenter

Detroit Lions head coach Dan Campbell could build a classic, mountainous fall-season leaf pile out of the receipts from his first press conference in the Motor City.

We’re going eyes-deep into the comments section to find the stupidest takes on how Campbell will be such a failure in Detroit.

As someone who thought Nick Sirianni would be a disaster following his “SYSTEMS” press conference, it’s that whole glass house/don’t throw stones adage. When it came to Campbell, I didn’t know what to make of him. Just thought it was kind of funny, and I thought I vaguely remembered him doing a respectable job as the Dolphins’ interim coach a while back.

The X account @OldTakesExposed is excellent at tracking horrible sports takes and blasting them out for public consumption. I’ve gotten a kick out of doing some social media reactionary content over recent happenings in sports, such as the absolute cheeks job Brandon Staley is doing as a head coach, the Jets starting Tim Boyle over now-QB3 Zach Wilson, and Tiger Woods’ latest comeback to competitive golf.

Similar exercise here. Except… I’m going to respond directly to every single bad take in the body of this article to break up all the tweets, pardon me, X posts.

Let’s begin:

Hey, Mon That’s it. Cool name by the way. Nice no-avatar. Seems like your type loves to talk sh*t. Let’s check in on your record predictions. I guess someone forgot to tell you the schedule is 17 games, not 16, or maybe you suck at math.

Regardless, in 2021, the Lions went 3-13-1. You were kinda close! The next year? Oh man. Your 3-13 forecast was a full six wins off of 9-8! Bummer. Safe to say you’ll be wrong about the next two years. The Lions are 8-2 right now. Good job, ya imbecile…

Sup MITCH. My guy. So you think Dan Campbell is going to be fired this year? How about this futures wager? Go ahead and bet against the Lions to make the playoffs. DraftKings has Detroit at +2500 not to qualify for the postseason. If Campbell makes the playoffs, safe to say his job is safe, right? Means you’re D-E-D-misspelled-to-make-a-point-DEAD-wrong. Next.

Ooooooh Laddie. What the feck are ya on about? A new coach? Did you skip a couple years because of the COVID time warp we all went through? Hope so. Otherwise, this take has been deceased for roughly, what, ONE THOUSAND AND FORTY-FIVE DAYS!? Yikes. Do better.

Get a load of this guy. Dedicates his online existence to hating on Seahawks offensive coordinator Shane Waldron, who resurrected the career of Geno Smith and got him paid. The entire premise of his online existence is a subzero take unto itself.

Never mind the fact that he’s still talking sh*t after getting called out for his low opinion of Dan Campbell.

How about a gent named Anthony Mathias? Bold prediction to say the Lions will be the most undisciplined, most penalized team in the NFL.

Through Week 11 of this season, with an actual good roster in place, Campbell’s Lions rank in the top 10 in fewest penalties per game. According to PFF, Detroit has the No. 1 offense in the NFL this year and were eighth in 2022. Moving on…

Uhh, lower-case klas? Yes. Yes, Dan Campbell is leading with his authentic self. Don’t you get it? You buffoon. He’s a former player. A fiery, emotional guy. Have you watched the Lions play? They have arguably the best o-line in football and they get after folks in the trenches.

Campbell is a tone-setter, plain and simple. You, uh, have an anti-God f*cking line graph as your profile picture. NERD.

What a fitting username for this clown! Some clever variation on the spelling of “erroneous.” I suppose feeling inspiration is a subjective sensation. However, implying that Campbell will never win over a locker room as you did here just shows you know nothing. Hope you’re putting that “Activist Mind” to better use during your time offline. FFS.

Robby Mac. You’re a diehard Jets fan and you’re blasting someone who could eat both your kneecaps for breakfast and not break stride. For being corny. Let’s pretend you’re right for a second, OK? I’d much rather be corny than, you know, a New York Jets fan.

Mental health is a big focus in modern society for a reason. Some would call you a weak man for staying in an emotionally abusive relationship that punches you in the d*ck every Sunday. Thus, you are weak. And Dan Campbell is not corny. You’ve been yeeted. Thank you and goodbye.

Yo Albert Alarcon! How did you look on your first day at the biggest job of your life? Which I bet pays a fraction of Campbell’s multi-million dollar annual salary. I bet you had a fat dinner the night before because you knew you’d be too nervous on Day 1. Then you drank too much coffee in the morning, timed up your poop poorly, and had to unload it all when you got to the office. Multiple coworkers were probably talking about the stench left in your wake in the men’s restroom. Good first week, Albert.

You could accuse me of projecting my own issues or something that happened to me onto you. That is, if I actually worked in an office. Instead, I accuse you of projecting a horrible first day at work onto Dan Campbell. Turns out the guy had many worse days after this, but has recovered to be a raging success. I’m flipping you off on Dan’s behalf, Albert. Leave MC/DC alone.

Y’all. This isn’t just EJ Norman. This is the REAL EJ Norman we’re talking about here. And not only did he predict the wrong team for ex-Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford to get traded to — he said the Lions would go 1-15. Again, did people not know the NFL added an extra game to the schedule? Confusing.

JD hails from Yukon, Canada. What he would even know about American football being from that region of the world is beyond me. Instant credibility drop. He’s a Toronto Maple Leafs host on Sportsnet with a good chunk of X followers, so I’m not going to go too hard on him. I grew up in Toronto a bit. Was a Leafs fan. Anyway, JD, you were wrong. That’s all I’ll say.

Juan Leonel Garciga might have the best fully-applicable-to-football misfire on here. Dan Campbell couldn’t be more allergic to punting. He compulsively goes for it on fourth down and tells spectators to deal with it or get some diapers ready. LOLLLL.

AND NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

Wow. I mean… let’s not go too deep on this issue since it’s divisive/adjacently political. Yes, more black coaches deserve shots at head coaching gigs in the NFL. Duh. Anyone with a brain knows that. NOW… to somehow twist that into implying that Dan Campbell didn’t deserve this job? First of all, pro football is a bottom-line, results-driven business. The Lions are sprinting toward the playoffs in 2023. Your argument about merit is wrong on that alone.

And “toxic faux-machismo” is a rich phrase to throw out there. This just in: Football is a physical, violent game where your favorite players are probably putting out some of that machismo energy on the field just to get through that day’s brutal battle. Did you think, like, Dan Campbell was actually telling his players to literally bite kneecaps off?

Campbell’s rant is so obscure, unfiltered and too flat-out strange to be anything but the absolute truth. Like… who says these things? It’s hilarious.

There are plenty more bad first impressions of Dan Campbell. Just keep reading those replies. I tried to pick out the best ones. Shout out to all the blind MC/DC haters who made this possible. Love you.

Dan Campbell

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