Theo Von Dishes Out Some Hilarious First Date Advice: “You Take The Lady To A Maternity Ward”

Theo Von

Theo Von is one of my favorite people.

The stand-up comedian from Louisiana is absolutely hilarious, and he has a great podcast called this This Past Weekend where he often does solo episodes and takes calls from his listeners.

Often, it will just be someone calling to tell him they saw him at a show over the weekend, but sometimes, people call in to get advice from the Rat King himself. Theo’s pretty open about his dating struggles on the podcast, too, and talks about his failed first-dates and pickup lines that just do not work all the time.

So, on a recent episode of TPW, Joey Donuts (great name) from New York called about a date he had coming up. He said he had a few mutual friends and went to the same school as the girl he was going out with, but was understandably nervous, seeing as it was their first date and he really didn’t know her all that well.

He wanted to get some advice from Theo, and at this point, most people would just tell him to try to make small talk, go get a coffee, you know, stuff normal people do on a first date.

But Theo being Theo, he had some extremely unconventional advice for Joey, saying:

“Here’s the first date move. Here’s the first date move: you take the lady to a maternity ward. Take her to the local hospital.

I used to do this move when I was a child, pre-teen, or teen, you know. As soon as I was, uh, viral or whatever. Sexually mature, as they called it in science, or pre-science, I don’t know what we took, but I got a B.”

First of all, hilarious. Second of all, in today’s world, there is absolutely no way two random people are getting to any sort of maternity ward if they aren’t actually there to have a baby or are close to someone who is.

Third of all, if a guy ever took me to a maternity ward on a first date, there is absolutely no chance that I would ever contact him again and would drop him off at the psych ward on the way home.

But, according to Theo, going to a maternity ward on a first date shows a girl you’re a family man who means business from the get-go:

“What I found was the maternity ward, you take her in there because you see that the babies are in there. And you show a girl the baby, that tells her right there, A, you’re a family man, you’re about that life, okay.

You’re about life… they got ’em in there, you know, in the little, you know, vestibules or whatever. So you get to see each one in the little carton, and so you’re about actual life.

You’re about life, so you’re showing her that, and she knows you’re about sex because a baby, you didn’t get a baby without sex, you know.”

I mean, he’s got a point there… most women do love babies…

And like Theo so eloquently points out, there’s only been one time in human history that someone’s ever been able to have a baby with only one person involved, so it’s important you show a girl that you know about sex:

“That happened one time in the desert, and that’s a wrap. But since then, it’s taken a couple of people, you know, touching, doing touch.”

I guess I would assume that both parties are aware of the biology behind baby-making, but you know what they say about assuming…

So, a big yes to all of his thoughts on family values and letting a girl know that you want to start a family and have kids one day…

But a big HELL no to a trip to the maternity ward on a first date.


A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock