You Can Join The Waitlist To Buy Gwyneth Paltrow’s $75 Vagina-Scented Candle

Picture this: it’s Saturday morning. You’re fresh off your morning coffee high, perusing the shelves at your local Bath & Body works, or maybe the brightly lit aisles of TJ Maxx or Target. You stop to sniff some candles, because where else would you and your wallet be found but positioned squarely in front of the overpriced candle section.
You pick up a warm, orange colored jar.


Ah, Orange Nectarine. Your nostrils are transported to some beach in Florida with an open bar and a tan cabana boy.
You reach for a larger, tan vessel.

*Inhales deeply*

Immediately you start to crave the sugary sweet scent of Snickerdoodle that’s wafting up from the wax. You throw it back, it’s #SpringBreakSzn and you don’t need your home décor tempting you to cheat on the wildly unhealthy yo-yo diet you found on Pinterest. (Trust me honey, the military has never endorsed a strict diet of hot dogs and cottage cheese. Don’t fall for it.)

Finally, your fingers enclose on pretty pink candle. What could this be, grapefruit? Strawberries and cream? Pink champagne? Cactus Blossom? Pomegranate Bellini Blush?

*Gently Sniffs*

Your nose crinkles in disgust. You sniff again… it can’t be. Is that… is that, vagina?

You spin the candle around to read the label, “THIS SMELLS LIKE MY VAGINA” it shouts at you in bold letters, confirming your worst fears. But wait, you wonder, ”Who in God’s name created a candle to smell like their lady parts?”

Gwyneth Paltrow, that’s who.

I wish everything you just read was a nightmare we could all wake up from, but unfortunately, this candle very much exists. For the low, low price of $75, you too can own a candle that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow’s undercarriage, which according to her website, smells like “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed”.

Same, Gwyneth. Same.

The worst part? It’s SOLD OUT. By sold out I mean people actually bought this abomination and there’s now a waitlist for those that didn’t buy one, but would still like to. Whoever you are, shame on you.

I’ll stick to my Lavender Vanilla like a normal person.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock