In case you weren’t aware, former Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall can’t stand a bunch of average white guys analyzing the game of football. It’s gotten to the point where he wants to replace the NFL’s Pro Bowl with an all-white vs. all-black matchup.
If you’re too sensitive to understand this hypothetical is a complete and total joke, or you’re doing mental gymnastics to twist this blog into some sort of mean-spiritedly racist exercise, kindly see your way out right now. For the rest of you reasonable folks, we gotta break this down.
What better way to honor Mendenhall’s wishes than to be an average white guy who takes the ball, runs with his scenario, and actually creates a semi-compelling matchup on paper?
To be fair, JJ Watt is correct about the glaring flaw working against the underdog white boys.
Rosters are usually 53 men. I haven’t gone quite that far (47 per side), yet I think you’ll be impressed with the almost-full teams I’ve constructed. Since this is just one hypothetical game, I decided to stock up at skill positions/pass-catchers as much as possible. Plus, you also have to factor in who’d be coaching this hypothetical game, so I gave Team Black and Team White a head coach, offensive coordinator, and defensive coordinator.
So as not to leave Mendenhall out of his own masterful proposal, he’s the All-Black Team’s ex-player moral support guru. It’s a special position on the coaching staff. The All-White Team has two, because let’s face it, their collective will might be broken otherwise.
Without further ado, let’s get into it…! Follow this next link if you’d like to see my Team USA flag football roster — which, in retrospect, would require Jevon Holland to spurn his native Canada for the country he grew up in (his Wikipedia page says Canadian-born American football safety, so boom) — because it’s also lit.
All-Black Team (47 players)
Offense
QB: Patrick Mahomes-Lamar Jackson
RB: Derrick Henry-De’Von Achane-Jahmyr Gibbs
FB: CJ Ham
WR: Tyreek Hill-Justin Jefferson-Ja’Marr Chase-CeeDee Lamb-AJ Brown-Brandon Aiyuk-Amon-Ra St. Brown
SLASH: Deebo Samuel
TE: Kyle Pitts-Darren Waller
LT: Trent Williams-Christian Darrisaw
LG: Tyler Smith-Robert Hunt
C: Lloyd Cushenberry III
RG: Kevin Dotson-Trey Smith
RT: Tristan Wirfs-Zach Tom
Defense
DE: Myles Garrett-Micah Parsons-Danielle Hunter-Montez Sweat-Josh Allen-Kayvon Thibodeaux
DT: Aaron Donald-Dexter Lawrence-Quinnen Williams-Chris Jones
LB: Fred Warner-Demario Davis-Quincy Williams-Bobby Wagner
CB: Sauce Gardner-DaRon Bland-Jalen Ramsey
S: Kyle Hamilton-Jevon Holland-Justin Simmons
Specialists
K: Justin Reid
P: Marquette King
Coaches
HC: Mike Tomlin
OC: Eric Bieniemy
DC: DeMeco Ryans
Moral Support Ex-Player: Rashard Mendenhall
All-White Team (47 players)
Offense
QB: Josh Allen-Joe Burrow
RB: Christian McCaffrey-Evan Hull
FB: Kyle Juszczyk
WR: Cooper Kupp-Braxton Berrios-Scotty Miller-Alec Pierce-Adam Thielen-Jake Bobo
SLASH: Taysom Hill
TE: Travis Kelce-Mark Andrews-George Kittle-TJ Hockenson-Sam LaPorta
LT: Bernhard Raimann-Garett Bolles
LG: Quenton Nelson-Landon Dickerson
C: Jason Kelce-Creed Humphrey
RG: Zack Martin-Quinn Meinerz
RT: Lane Johnson-Rob Havenstein
Defense
DE: Nick Bosa-Maxx Crosby-TJ Watt-Aidan Hutchinson-Trey Hendrickson-Joey Bosa
DT: Zach Allen-Harrison Phillips-Adam Gotsis
LB: Logan Wilson-Andrew Van Ginkel-Jack Campbell-Alex Singleton
CB: Riley Moss-Troy Apke-Cooper DeJean
S: Harrison Smith-Reed Blankenship
Specialists
K: Brandon Aubrey
P: Ryan Stonehouse
Coaches:
HC: Kyle Shanahan
OC: Mike McDaniel
DC: Dan Quinn
Moral Support Ex-Player(s): Jason Sehorn / Rob Gronkowski
Rashard Mendenhall All-Black vs. All-White Bowl Roster Analysis
OK so if the white boys are going to have any hope of hanging tough in this game, it’s going to be thanks to the collective offensive genius of Kyle Shanahan and Mike McDaniel. These best buds would be up into the wee hours of the morning, scheming up jumbo sets, 14 personnel packages (1 WR-1 RB-4 TEs), exotic Wishbone/triple option plays, and having the time of their lives trying to pull off the upset of the century.
…No really. It would be the upset of the century. If for no other reason than the fact that All-White would have to probably have some of their wide receivers — or, hell, maybe Christian McCaffrey — play both ways. Troy Apke is a free agent right now, but he and Riley Moss are the first white cornerbacks in the NFL of any consequence I can remember since Jason Sehorn. That’s a big reason why Sehorn is the moral support guru for the All-White squad. The man once returned an onside kick for a TD, so I’m convinced he’s capable of just about anything.
Obviously, Cooper DeJean isn’t in the NFL yet. Seeing as how Mendenhall’s game couldn’t possibly take place of the upcoming Pro Bowl, it’s safe to say DeJean will be a pro by this time next year. DeJean is a white cornerback out of Iowa (like Moss), and is expected to be a first-round pick.
Having Rob Gronkowski on hand to keep the vibes immaculate and to help the Shanahan-McDaniel tandem dream up cool plays for the All-Whites’ loaded tight end room is a must. The weird goofiness of Gronk, George Kittle and Travis Kelce — oh yeah, enthusiastic officiating critic Taylor Swift would be cheering them on! — would be immensely helpful.
If you look at how many dynamic EDGE defenders the All-White Team has, it’s easy to see how you could shuffle those guys around and slide some of them inside. That’d help overcome the lacking, thin interior group. When it comes to the kicking game, too, Brandon Aubrey of the Dallas Cowboys literally has not missed, and Ryan Stonehouse has a bazooka for a leg and can at least make field position tough on the heavily favored All-Black Team.
Although there are no black kickers in the NFL, Chiefs safety Justin Reid is more than capable if the All-Whites somehow stopped his side’s devastating offense on a third down:
…A kick would never happen. The All-Black Team would score at will.
Again, you’d need some of the premier All-White athletes to play in the secondary. I’d just have Christian McCaffrey play both ways as much as possible, plug him in at slot corner for Big Nickel packages, and to be honest, would probably stay in that the entire game. Taysom Hill could also either play safety, or start at outside cornerback. He’s huge, and runs a 4.44-second 40. Hill could maybe hang a little bit, or hopefully jam some of these dudes at the line of scrimmage.
In case you aren’t aware, Colts running back Evan Hull has a similar build and athletic profile to CMC. Might sound crazy but check out Hull’s Combine numbers and those of McCaffrey. They are strikingly similar.
So even if McCaffrey played a lot of defense, Hull could pick up the slack and flourish in the Shanahan/McDaniel run scheme. Also helps that they have Swiss Army Knife fullback Kyle Juszczyk and coached him for years in San Francisco.
(Quick aside: I’m good about spelling sports peoples’ names and not having to look them up 99.999% of the time (Giannis Antetokounmpo, Wally Szczerbiak, Mike Krzyzewski HOLLA). I tried to spell “Juszczyk” without Googling first and my brain just about exploded into a billion pieces. I’m still copy-pasting every time/recovering.)
With all these caveats, pipe dream best-case outcomes and the surprisingly solid group assembled on the All-White Team, it’d likely come down to whether or not Josh Allen could just take over with his arms and legs, stiff arm people into oblivion, and rally the troops. Speaking of dudes playing defense, why not plug in Allen to the back seven on defense? The All-Whites would still have Joe Burrow under center!
OK but really. The All-Black Team would be no less than 21-point favorites. JJ Watt is right. Tyreek Hill is unguardable. So is Justin Jefferson. And Ja’Marr Chase. All those guys healthy? Forget about it. Then you factor in how dynamic Patrick Mahomes and Lamar Jackson at extending plays, and even the deepest corps of pass-rushers couldn’t slow those guys down in the end.
Talk about thunder and lightning in the All-Black backfield, too: If you’re the All-White Team, think about trying to tackle Derrick Henry for several possessions, only to have the explosiveness of De’Von Achane and Jahmyr Gibbs gash you over and over as you play necessarily-light boxes against the loaded All-Black perimeter weapons.
That’s about all I got. Hopefully Rashard Mendenhall’s vision comes to fruition someday. This would indubitably be better than the Pro Bowl. Just unsure he’d achieve his desired outcome of average white guys no longer commenting on football. About the only thing average white guys can agree on in the United States of America is that the NFL is AWESOME.
We’ll let Team All-White cover the spread in garbage time. Nope. Never mind. Can’t be that generous. The All-Black Team wins this showdown running away.
Final score prediction: All-Black Team 48, All-White Team 24
