“He’ll Slap A 60-Year-Old Man On The A**” – Mike McCarthy Awkwardly Explains Why He’s Happy To Have Ezekiel Elliott Back

Mike McCarthy
Dallas Cowboys

Slow news day? Slow news day. Sorry BUT if Dallas Cowboys head coach Mike McCarthy and any brand or off-brand butt stuff is making headlines, it is a must-write, must-hit, must-do topic. Hope it’ll be worth your while by the end if you bear with me.

The entire organization that fancies themselves “America’s Team” is still probably shell shocked from getting their organs handed to them by MVP-caliber Jordan Love and the Packers. Cruel, poetic justice for McCarthy, getting outfoxed, out-schemed, and outclassed in every way by his Green Bay successor, Matt LaFleur. So much so that owner/GM in spirit but not in practice Jerry Jones had the “freeze” trauma response during free agency, then proceeded to oversee one of my two least-favorite draft classes in the entire NFL.

Part of the reason the ‘Boys made out poorly in the draft was their lack of solution to a glaring hole on their roster. Jerry opted to fix that by signing former Dallas franchise cornerstone Ezekiel Elliott, because of course he did. The man can’t help himself. Even when homegrown talent isn’t worth sticking with through thick and thin, that doesn’t stop Jerry.

And would you look at that? McCarthy is playing the company-line hits to the media, gassing up the soon to be 29-year-old Zeke’s skill sets such as locker room leadership and five-starring his fellow man’s tuchus.

This man has a way with words, doesn’t he? Whether it was kicking off his tenure with an opening press conference in which he admitted to lying about how much he studied football in his year away from coaching, or the myriad flops his Cowboys have had in the postseason.

There’s not a man on Planet Earth with a major leadership position at a bazillion-dollar enterprise who has a stupider look on his face than when McCarthy gazes skyward at the JerryWorld jumbotron, wondering how the football gods are about to paddle his backside this time around.

At least Zeke won’t be the bell cow back he used to be. The Cowboys seem to have enough sense to not deploy that strategy. They can always count on Rico Dowdle (who!?) and 5-foot-5 son of Dallas assistant director of college scouting Deuce Vaughn.

Damn, Mike. What an uphill climb there is to come. Shouldn’t have sold your soul for that Lombardi Trophy alongside Aaron Rodgers. Little-known fact: McCarthy was actually the one who ignited the “alternative neural pathways” in Rodgers’ brain that got him into psychedelics, pseudo-science, and related tomfoolery. I heard it was some sort of black magic ceremony? Anyway, no coincidence that neither McCarthy nor Rodgers has sniffed a Super Bowl since the tenured coach made that bargain.

Little did McCarthy know at the time that it was actually an NFL-wide conspiracy against the Cowboys that Jerry Jones wasn’t in on. The other 31 teams didn’t know how else to tame Rodgers in his prime, nor did they want to see Jerry succeed in the post-Tony Romo era. Thus, they orchestrated a chain of events that gave the Packers a ‘Bowl, but fractured the McCarthy-Rodgers dynamic so that the former could dupe Jerry into hiring/never firing him, and so that Rodgers could have a younger coach who he’d never fully buy into since he wasn’t such a milquetoast yes man.

OK we went a little off the rails there. In all seriousness — well, as much seriousness as you can derive from an article discussing the male rear — McCarthy is a hell of a football coach. He just happens to be stuck with Dak Prescott at the minute, who’s proven time and again he can’t hack it in the playoffs. You can bet Jerry is already looking ahead at the 2025 NFL Draft quarterbacks. If Deion’s son Shedeur Sanders or Texas Longhorns QB Quinn Ewers isn’t a Cowboy next year, I’ll eat my shoe. Just kidding. That’s disgusting. Never make that bet.

Good luck to “America’s Team” and going “all-in” with Dak, an aging Zeke, a rebuilding offensive line, and a defense whose ex-coordinator in Dan Quinn is now the head coach of the NFC East rival Commanders. Should be another good, not disappointing at all season!

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