Florida Man Hall Of Fame: Crystal Methvin Arrested For… Crystal Meth Possession

Crystal Methvin


You just can’t make this stuff up. If this was in a TV show, you’d roll your eyes because it was so “on the nose.” But this is no television program… it is just the normal, everyday happenings of the state-fair-trailer-park-alligator-infested state of Florida.

Ideally, you want to go through life without ever getting arrested. And even more ideally, you don’t ever want to get put in the slammer for something that connotes your legal name. That may seem like a silly and unnecessary goal, though try telling that to a Florida woman named Crystal Methvin who got booked for crystal meth possession.

As a parent, you can’t set your kid up for that kind of life. Were they joking when they named this woman Crystal? Her name is as absurd as some of these others that I just made up that could also lead to some ironic arrests:

-Beer McDriver

-Arson Ablaze

-Bank Burglar

Those names obviously sound ridiculous. You likely wouldn’t believe the story if one of those names were involved, yet here we are talking about a Florida woman named Crystal Methvin getting arrested for possession of crystal meth. It was her fifteenth drug charge at the time, but it’s possible she has run those numbers up since then with this story being from 2018.

WFLA reported that officers were tipped off to suspicious activity, and when they went to investigate, they found Crystal Methvin doing Crystal Methvin things:

“Police responded to an anonymous tip that led them to a parking lot where three people were sitting in a car. Police said they searched the vehicle and found drug paraphernalia and a substance that tested positive for crystal methamphetamine.”

A first ballot “Florida Woman” hall of famer if there ever was one. Florida is a crazy place, and the only place this could have happened.

Here’s to hoping that Crystal got her life back on track after this incident, and hopefully filed to have her legal name changed. You can’t come back from something like this… you’ve gotta change that name, or at least the last name, to literally anything else.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock