Preemptively fearful that a former athlete would once again make fun of him for not knowing what churros are, San Antonio Spurs phenom Victor Wembanyama took matters into his own hands in a recent meeting with legendary, seven-time Super Bowl winning quarterback Tom Brady.
According to sources with knowledge of the encounter, Brady ribbed Wembanyama for his recent segment with Charles Barkley, which can be seen below.
Charles Barkley: "Victor, I got one final question for you. How do you say 'Churro' in French?"
Victor Wembanyama: "Churro? What is that?"
Charles: "You've been in San Antonio long enough. It's a dessert."
Wembanyama, who hails from France, had allegedly grown tired of explaining that he simply didn’t know the word for “churro” in English and decided to use his 8-foot wingspan to his advantage. Before Brady knew what hit him, Wembanyama’s Go-Go-Gadget arm had pickpocketed TB12’s wallet.
“I’ve never seen him that angry,” said one of Wembanyama’s close friends. “So many people have been giving him sh*t about the churros and I think he just snapped.”
Fervently digging past pictures of kids, a massage parlor gift certificate from one Mr. Robert Kraft and scraps of paper with written-in-pencil insults hurled at him over the years, Wembanyama, 19, located one of Brady’s credit cards, stiff-armed him to the ground, exited the building and ascended to a third-story rooftop restaurant off two single pull-ups from San Antonio scaffolding.
“Tom’s muscular pliability braced his fall and prevented any serious injury,” said Alex Guerrero, Brady’s longtime personal trainer and suspected cult hobbyist.
When pressed for more details on Brady’s status, this reporter retroactively wishes he hadn’t bothered Guerrero.
“Oh, Tom’s good. Trust me. I deep-tissue massaged him this morning. Really dug my fingers into the creases of his buttocks,” Guerrero explained. “That created maximum flexibility to fire off the glutes and softened Tom’s landing when that rude young man initiated the altercation.”
Brady contacted Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich straight away to explain what had happened. Popovich, per sources, “laughed his a** off” before clarifying, “that’s Wemby being Wemby.”
Eventually Popovich got Wembanyama on the horn. Eyewitnesses say Wemby wolfed down approximately 1,600 calories’ worth of food in a fit of hangry rage before answering on the fourth try.
Coach Pop helped Wembanyama — who hadn’t done any prior research on his lunch mate — grasp just how accomplished Tom Brady is. Upon realizing he wasn’t dealing with a championship-less ex-pro like Barkley, Wembanyama offered a beautiful apology and reached out a (ridiculously large) hand in reconciliation.
Although he himself was already satiated foodstuffs-wise, Wembanyama offered to foot the bill for Brady’s lunch, which included a kale salad, cauliflower steak and avocado ice cream for dessert.
“I was pretty famished, but I didn’t want to risk pissing him off by ordering more food. I mean, look at him,” Brady explained. “By the way, this is off the record, and if you publish any of this, I’ll f*cking annihilate your soul, you motherf*cking bloodsucking f*ck-o.”
Tom ultimately rescinded his off-the-record request on account of “having many f*cks and granting zero of them” to this story.
All’s well that ends well. Following his abbreviated feast, Brady posed for a photo with Wembanyama for the ‘Gram and/or Brand to maintain the appearance that this was the most cordial of lunch dates.
No trace of animosity whatsoever from what occurred in the prior half hour. Instead, Brady harnessed his feelings to crack off a savage stray at Julian Edelman, one of the GOAT QB’s favorite wide receivers.
Edelman, who’s a full half-foot shorter than the 6-foot-4 Brady at 5-foot-10, could not be reached for comment.
Wembanyama is still adjusting to stateside life while bearing the burden of impossible expectations for a dinosaur NBA franchise who rigged their way lucked into drafting him first overall. Any lack of decorum, prior knowledge of Tom Brady or expertise on a fattening pastry that no serious athlete should be interested in to begin with should be excused in full.
But don’t get it twisted, this is not fake news. What is inauthentic is this doctored photo Brady posted after the fact to make himself feel better.
Media outlets asking for permission to use this photo. Yes you may, here is the file. Disregard other photoshopped images of me and Victor. pic.twitter.com/veDqfGkA3a
Editor’s Note:Just come back and play football, Tom. That’s where everyone wants to see you most. So much bad quarterback play around the league right now. Don’t stoop to such low levels of picking on teenage athletes, blasting ex-teammates about their height and d*cking around on Adobe Photoshop all morning. Get back out there. Bet you can’t.