Kim Kardashian Is Trying To Save The Planet With…A Bra That Has Built-In Nipples?

Kim Kardashian

You know what’s great? Retail products that put some of their proceeds toward helping the environment. Good on merchants who take that sort of initiative. Entrepreneurial goddess Kim Kardashian is doing precisely that with her new upcoming line of, um, “Ultimate Nipple Bras.”

That’s right. You read that correctly. You are not seeing double. Well, you know what I mean.

The following quote comes from the part of Kim’s X post that you can’t see and is most appealing to me:

“In addition to our investment in advancing carbon removal, SKIMS is proud to donate 10% of sales from our SKIMS Ultimate Nipple Bra, as a one-time donation, to @1percentftp – a global network with thousands of businesses and environmental organizations working together to support people and the planet.”

However, before I prattle on any more about that, a little breakdown of the Ultimate Nipple Bra itself. This design aesthetic seems a little nipple elitist to me. Or nippleist, if you will.

I can’t believe the words I’m typing right now. Are we really doing this? We’re really doing this.

The Ultimate Nipple Bra seems to only promote one specific kind of nipple. These sacred body parts aren’t a one-size-fits-all type of situation! Right? Am I out of pocket for saying that?

There’s that whole “free the nipple” movement, which from my understanding is more about not wearing bras. Or clothes for that matter. It’s borderline nudist colony advocacy.

Once again, I can’t wrap my head around some of the words I just wrote. My mom is probably going to yell at me. Or if any woman I’m interested in dating going forward catches wind of this article on the Internet, I’ll be in a pretty significant hole I likely can’t dig my way out of.

All I’m trying to do with this pseudo-satire piece is to try to bring a different angle to your typical Kim Kardashian coverage. I’m otherwise blissfully unaware of her existence, accomplishments or latest goings-on. I mean it when I say I could not care less about her life. For some reason, hundreds of millions of people do. And she’s rich AF as a result. So here I am.

All jokes and potentially built-in offensive objectifying language in the paragraphs above aside, I’m legit serious when I say it’s awesome that Kim K is donating some of the proceeds toward an environmental cause. Unless you’re a science-denying oddball, you can acknowledge that climate change is a real thing. We’re probably too late to fix it, or to come up with comprehensive solutions so that our modern way of life is sustainable.

Oh well. At least when the next advanced society on Earth is digging through our wreckage — or browsing the monolithic Skynet supercomputer from the technological singularity that wipes humankind out — they can see, without a shadow of a doubt, that Kim Kardashian tried to save us with the power of the nipple.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock