Kayaking the Chicago River… it’s not for the faint of heart. One false move and you wind up in the radioactive waste pool, and the next thing you know your kids are being born with two heads. Hazmat suit required…
Living in Chicago the past 16 years, I’ve kayaked the Chicago river a few times, I’ve fished the Chicago river a ton (yeah, there’s fish in that toxic sludge), but I’ve never seen anything like this.
According to NBC Chicago, a couple of dudes (with all-time great Chicago accents) were kayaking along the Chicago river when the stumbled upon a GIANT alligator snapping turtle.
And the commentary is downright hilarious:
“Look at this guy. We got a picture of this this beautiful sight. Look at the size of that f*ckin’ thing. Oh, my god… that is a massive turtle. Is that a snapper? He’s a snapper. Look at that beast.”
But when he starts talking to this tank, you can’t help but laugh out loud:
“Hey, how ya doin’ guy, you look good. You’re healthy… holy hell, I’m real proud of you, you been eating healthy? You ever heard of liquid salad? We’ve been doin’ that, Al’s does that.
Are you happy to have spring? That’s a scene if there ever was one, look at that. We should take him out to eat.”
Gold.
Snapping turtles are native to the Chicago area and historically have been found in many freshwater habitats, including lakes, ponds, and even the Chicago River. Although, the Chicago River has been heavily impacted by pollution, efforts have been made in recent years to improve water quality and restore the river’s natural ecosystems. As a result, snapping turtles and other aquatic wildlife are slowly returning to the river and surrounding areas.
What is unique, however, is the size of this beast. You definitely don’t see a biggin’ like this around the city very often, if ever.
That being said, if you’re familiar with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the crime fighting super turtles who were exposed to toxic ooze at a young age, I’m thinking this must be the Chicago River version… who knows what kind of radioactive ooze has seeped into these waters? No way in hell this big fella grew like that on his own. Although, it appears that this “Chonkosaurus” doesn’t know martial arts…
Then again, maybe this ol’ boy is just gobbling down every giant rat that slips off the bridge and into the river… Lord knows there is a LOT of them. A never-ending buffet of disease-infested rodents might make you look like that too.
Nevertheless, Twitter was loving it, and some of the comments were almost as funny as the video:
