Comedian Tim Dillon Delivers Hilarious 16-Minute Monologue About What It Means To Be An American

Tim Dillon comedy

Tim Dillon is hilarious.

If you’re a fan of stand up comedy, you have to love him. If you hate, don’t appreciate, or don’t understand stand up comedy… you’ll inevitably hate, not appreciate, or not understand this.

The man recently went on his podcast, The Tim Dillon Show, and was asked what being an American is to him…

And needless to say, he delivered one of the most hilarious, savage, kinda fucked up, and brutally honest responses I may have ever heard in my life.

Here’s just a small sample:

“This is what being an American means to me…

It’s about finding friends that you only are friends with because they have drugs. It’s about finding somebody to fuck who hates you. Being handed things, squandering opportunities, always attacking others, blaming, never being introspective and looking down deep.

Everything in life should be a spectacle, kind of an O.J. Simpson trial, everything. From your divorce, to an argumentative breakfast. Everything should at all times be insane. 

Our most beautiful places in America are National Parks, have become playgrounds for killers to murder people who go seek out their majestic beauty. 

America means that the government may kidnap your children and turn them into sex slaves or assassins, mind control victims and brainwash them. But at the end of the day, Entenmann’s are a good cake, and everyone likes it. I do.

America to me is about telling your children to go to college, so they can go and hate other kids and kill them. America means finding your child OD’d in the bathroom. Getting the nar-can out, and reviving them, so they live to rob you more times. That’s what America means.”

Of course, it should go without saying that this is a satirical commentary on all the problems facing America right now, and I shouldn’t even to ruin the comedy by explaining that but someone will inevitably email me some shit about how I’m an un-American, liberal, snowflake, anti-Second Amendment, communist that will destroy America.

It’s a joke Karen, relax…

Anyways, enjoy… and maybe don’t watch this with the volume up in public.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock