Sex, trauma, death, car crashes, plane crashes, house fires, scandals…
For those of you who don’t know, the VH1 Chris Gaines special might be the greatest documentary in the history of the world. In fact, it might even be the greatest piece of filmmaking in the history of the world.
I didn’t even know that there was a whole-ass documentary released on VH1 (Chris Gaines: Behind the Music), but it chronicles the weird, full throttle, and completely insane (fake) life of Chris Gaines. It even featured appearances from folks like Billy Joel and “girlfriend” Maria Costa (Yes, Chris dated actress Maria Costa). And while Garth’s team has done a great job of wiping it from the internet, you can find pieces of it out there.
So without further ado, let’s take a look at some of the strangest, most hysterical, downright bizarre, borderline terrifying quotes from Chris Gaines’ brilliantly awful documentary.
“Sex, that’s the greatest thing about being a musician.”
“I just like women, and I like communicating with them, however that may be.”
Apparently, Chris Gaines had an absurd sex addiction. The addiction was so bad he finally had to seek help from a therapist before it cost him his life (not sure how drowning in sex almost killed him, but it did… allegedly).
I still laugh at how a guy Iike Garth Brooks was killing the charts so bad for so long was like “lemme create a different me” with Chris Gaines. The moxie of it all, I swear. pic.twitter.com/lRikuNXQgi
“I was helping Chris Gaines pack on tour, and I saw Chris put a chainsaw into his bag.”
I guess Gaines liked to wow fans with a chainsaw on stage, or use it to help chop up the bodies when he decided to be Garth Brooks again. If you’ve ever heard the hilarious running joke that Brooks could be a serial killer, this documentary doesn’t do anything to dispel that rumor. In fact, it reinforces it…
Now, on to the car crash.
“You live with your face for 25 years, and then you have to get it totally re-shaped, it’s not an easy thing to get long with.”
Gaines was involved in a HORRIBLE car crash in which he drove his car off the side of a cliff. It almost took his life… and his face. But his face wasn’t all he was worried about…
“This is embarrassing to say, but I was worried about living my life without sex.”
Ah, yes. Sex addict Chris Gaines’ music career was the least of his worries after the tragic car crash. He was just hoping his dick still worked…
Halfway through the Chris Gaines Behind the Music, Chris/Garth says he was worried that a car accident meant his dick wouldn't work anymore and that's when my brain just turns inside out. pic.twitter.com/5AzP5ycZaG
Chris Gaines was born in Brisbane, Australia (even though he has a completely American accent) to a mother who was an Australian Olympic swimmer, and his father was her coach.
Gaines also started out his music career with his high school best friend Tommy Levetts, in a band called “Crush.” This led to Gaines dropping out of high school, and his relationship with his father disintegrated. In Crush’s debut album, bad boy Gaines was pictured flicking off the camera on the album cover. According to Gaines, it was a message to the “system.”
“I think the bird was intended to the system, which was a message I think we were sending out that we were gonna do things our way.”
Also, Chris’s best friend and bandmate Tommy Levetts, died tragically in a plane crash. Gaines and Crush subsequently fell apart…
“I made them promise me that he would wait to the morning because I know flying at night, especially over the mountains… And he promised me, that he’d wait, and he didn’t.”
Later in his career, Chris had a dirty affair with his manager Roma Stihl, which ultimately cost him his house because she had possession of it in his contract (wow, just when you thought the drama had peaked).
“Roma and I’s relationship was a little past professional…”
And who could forget the time Chris tried to stop a wildfire? In a heroic attempt to save his house from a wildfire, Gaines took on the fire with nothing other than… a garden hose. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough (go figure).
“Next thing you know I’m on top of my own roof with a garden hose.”
Last but not least, Gaines’s record label screwed him over as they decided to not promote his last album as much as they should. Lucky for him, they were able to come to an agreement and they all lived happily ever after in fantasy land.
Wow… I mean, have you ever seen a better story of trauma, drama, addiction, and redemption? This would have made one hell of a story if, you know… any of it actually happened.
Luckily, for us, Garth, and probably all of humanity, Chris Gaines was a one-time thing. Granted, a comeback might provide a little comic relief, but at what cost? Is it really worth all the creepy, cringey, downright uncomfortable moments, just for a few laughs?
All I have to say after watching that documentary, is that now… I’m even more convinced that Garth might actually be a serial killer.