The 150th Kentucky Derby was going to be iconic as it was by the mere fact that the Run for the Roses is halfway to its bicentennial, and the fact that Travis Kelce was in attendance with a hat-suit combo that’d make Nathan Detroit proud.
But was Taylor Swift’s significant other the best-dressed man at Churchill Downs? Absolutely the f**k not.
A man whose name I regretfully don’t know, nor can I unearth it on the Twittersphere despite my best on-the-fly efforts, stole the show and some of the thunder from Mystik Dan’s thrilling victory by a nose over Sierra Leone and Forever Young.
Had to show the proper race before the reveal of this man. You wouldn’t be prepared for the drop right away. Even before the race, folks were wondering just who the hell this guy was.
Again, man is a mystery and I don’t mean any disrespect if he’s, like, part of the training crew or something. All I know is, he was right next to Mystik Dan trainer Kenny McPeek for his interviews afterwards. Poor Go Long NFL writer Tyler Dunne — news breaker of the Sean McDermott 9/11 speech — called his shot that Mystik Dan would emerge victorious by force of sheer proximity to Mr. Stars and Stripes. Just couldn’t pull the trigger on the winning bet slip in time.
It is painfully obvious that Captain America — is that nickname too on the nose? Will workshop as I go here — was fiercely dedicated to the Mystik Dan cause. That man’s face was straight-up scalded by the sun.
The main takeaway from the Kentucky Derby and from this article is as follows. You can’t tell me Mr. Stars and Stripes — better moniker, that — isn’t personally responsible for the extra mojo Mystik Dan needed to edge out the competition at the finish line. Nor can you convince me that the strength of his charisma and the wattage of his general aura didn’t spark such epic breakthroughs for McPeek and veteran jockey Brian Hernandez.
Don’t even need to look at Mystik Dan’s pedigree. It’s irrelevant. Mr. Stars and Stripes was and is the X-factor. You really want to bet against Mystik Dan at the Preakness with all this as context? Be my guest. I know who I’m tailing at the next Triple Crown race — and it ain’t because I’m hoping for Mystik Dan to achieve horse racing’s most coveted trifecta of wins. It’s because Mr. Stars and Stripes will not be denied.
Pledge your allegiance to Mr. Stars and Stripes. He is an instant legend. I’m all for the awesome Kentucky Derby hats and all, but that red, white and blue attire is several levels beyond what America is equipped to handle.
