Ex-NBA Big Man Carlos Boozer’s Beard Will Put Your Brain In A Complete Pretzel

Carlos Boozer
Carlos Boozer

Loved me some Carlos Boozer growing up in Ohio. Not so much when he played for Duke, but rather once he was drafted to the Cleveland Cavaliers. He’s a two-time All-Star and Olympian. Part of the 2008 Team USA gold medal squad. So put some respect on Boozer’s name, first of all.

Somebody close to Boozer needs to tell him, however. This beard right now? That ain’t it, sir.

As someone whose scalp follicles continue to defy my best wishes, I can empathize with Boozer’s perpetual hair-related plight. Although he’s embraced shaving his head at this point, it didn’t happen before he resorted to extreme measures during actual NBA games:

Now Boozer appears to be taking similar steps toward achieving the pinnacle of world beard domination. The thing is, I feel like he’s always been able to grow a rather thick curtain of facial hair, no? Was that all a more subtle mirage? I have no idea what to think now.

In watching back some of these highlights from his NBA heyday, I’m starting to think Boozer’s beard was greatly exaggerated as well.

I always chose to believe whatever the best-case scenario could possibly be for Boozer. That must’ve been a classic case of youthful naïveté. Rose-tinted homer spectacles. Call it what you will.

By the way, I have no clue who this dude is, but he cooks Boozer’s soul for about two and a half minutes in this dizzying rant of jokes:

I’m getting a little dizzy just looking at Boozer talk. Because, you know, I can’t focus on his eyes, his countenance or anything else — much less his NBA analysis — when we have that stencil situation on the bear-region epidermis. Feel like weird words are just spilling out onto the screen from my brain to the keyboard on full autopilot mode. Boozer’s beard put me in a trance. Please send help. I’m teetering toward a mental abyss. The end is nigh.

Further backstory: Boozer once commented on his hair and was very open/self-deprecating about it. That makes it all the more surprising he’s gone to such a place with his beard now, too.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock