I Promised My 4-Year Old I’d Take Him To Taco Bell If He Sang The Chorus To Koe Wetzel’s “February 28, 2016”

A person playing a guitar on a stage

“Daddy, I can sing the ‘Taco Bell’ song.”

“Oh really?” I said, raising an eyebrow. He meant, of course, Koe Wetzel’s fan favorite, “February 28, 2016.”

“Son, if you can sing the chorus in the ‘Taco Bell’ song, I will take you to Taco Bell right now.”

He hummed a few bars and broke out a couple of trailing “Taco Belllllss” before it became clear he was bluffing, which was too bad; I was really looking forward to that Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

So, I fired up the song on Spotify to get us both some singing reps (with Koe visiting LA in August, I’ll need to prepare).

“Singin’ la la la la let’s pull over
I can’t hold it, will you turn the music up?
And let’s play critter critter
Who is sober enough to take me to Taco Bell?”

In the rearview mirror, I could see my kid’s lips moving. He was practicing, and I could almost taste my Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco already.

“He’s gonna do it,” I told my wife with a grin. She rolled her eyes.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned as a new parent, it’s that kids’ brains move faster than you expect. My kid seems to stay two steps ahead of where I think he is at all times.

And recently, he’s had a particular knack for memorizing song lyrics. I knew I could count on him to get me to Taco Bell on a Sunday afternoon. And I know his mom is secretly obsessed with Taco Bell bean and cheese burritos, so it would be a family excursion.

But then the questions started.

“Daddy, what is he holding onto?”

“Um… he has to go pee.”


“Because he… had a lot to drink? He just… he needs the driver to pull over and find a potty.”

“But what if they don’t pull over?”

“I guess Koe might pee in his pants?”


Instead of memorizing the lyrics and reciting them back so we could go to Taco Bell, my son was analyzing them and doing what he does best: Asking awkward questions for me to answer poorly. And I was struggling to explain a song inspired by a drunken arrest to a preschooler in the most PG way possible.

Still, the picture of Koe’s night on February 28, 2016 (at least the part about him having to pee) hit my son hard. He’s four, so he knows what it’s like to pee your pants. He felt Koe’s pain.

It was risky playing a decidedly “adult” song with kids in the car. “What Would Koe Wetzel Do?” was already an unfortunate family mantra thanks to the poor example I was setting for my kids with my musical choices.

But then again, this was my ticket to a 4th meal on a Sunday afternoon…


“Yes son?”

“Can you turn the music up?”

And as I did, I started planning my route to Taco Bell, where there is supposedly a Big Cheez-It Tostada with my name on it. With any luck, I’ll be there this weekend, splitting the giant Cheez-It with my Koe Wetzel-loving preschooler, and singin’…

“La la la la, let’s pull over….”

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock