Whiskey Riff Mailbag: Top Three Wildest Waffle House Stories

A person holding a gun in a store

The results are in, the stories have been shared, and we at Whiskey Riff have come to the stark conclusion that…

Y’all have done/seen some wild shit at Waffle House.

I’ll be the first to say, I thought my story (okay, maybe there was a little bias) about the meth head who karate kicked my friends to-go cup out of his hand was unmatched.

Boy, I couldn’t be more wrong.

Before I share the top three best stories, let me kick things off with one of the responses that perfectly sets the tone for what you’re about to read:

“Never been, and those stories aren’t encouraging.”

For one, have you lived life to the fullest yet? Whoever you are out there, you need to add a trip to Waffle House to the bucket-list ASAP. I guarantee you’ll experience something life changing (or just something you’ll never be able to un-see, either or).

So, without further a-do, here are the top three wildest Waffle House stories we received here at Whiskey Riff.

Of course, everybody is anonymous, so we’ll simply rank the top three stories from number three to number one:

Meeting Ward Davis

“After a Cody Jinks / Ward Davis concert my friends and I went to the local Waffle House only to run into Ward Davis and his wife higher than a grocery bill. It was his birthday and he played a sold out show and also chose to eat at the Waffle House.”

Reason number 1,473,269 why you should experience Waffle House: You may just run into a country singer zooted off his arse.

Sex In The Booth

“I brought my belligerently drunk girlfriend at the time and her equally drunk friends around 2am after a party and I was just eating my waffles when my girlfriend was trying to have sex with me in the open in front of her friends and everyone.

She started screaming at me (titties out and all) because I told her I was trying to enjoy my delicious food and her drunk girlfriends were trying to beat me up because of it too.

And before you ask, yes it was in Florida.”

Sheesh, some of these women wild out here. For some reason I can’t get the prayer scene on Talladega Nights out of my head whenever I read this story. Also, great conclusion about Florida. It all makes sense…

Huffing Keyboard Cleaner?

“Twelve years ago, while in college, my friend and I took a drunken 3 a.m. trip to the nearest Wal-Mart to purchase a can of keyboard cleaner for huffing (I have no idea why this sounded like a good idea).

Needless to say, on the drive home, I crashed my vehicle into the side barrier of an overpass bridge, shattering my windshield with my forehead, and my friend smashing his face against the stereo/dash.

In a daze, we stumbled out of the truck, performed a quick assessment of the vehicle, and somehow we were able to roll it 100 yards downhill to the nearest parking lot, which happened to be the Waffle House every college kid in town would go to after a night of getting schnozzle-fisted.

By the grace of white-Jesus, no cop witnessed any of this, from the wreck, to the rolling of said pickup truck into the Waffle House parking lot. We both walked in concussed/covered in blood knowing someone we knew would be there and could give us a ride.

There was…we did… but not before sitting down and slammin’ an All- Star Breakfast…. You’re welcome.”

First off, I have so many questions… Huffing a can of keyboard cleaner? I must’ve missed this part of college.

Also, it appears the Waffle House gods were really looking out for you here. Crashing your car near a Waffle House while drunk? There’s no better drunk cure than an All-Star special at 3 AM.

God bless Waffle House.

A beer bottle on a dock

STAY ENTERTAINED

A beer bottle on a dock