My wife is a teacher, so I hear no shortage of insane children songs being sung at all times in my house, but if she gets wind of this one, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it.
Last night after the CMA Awards, I was doing what any dude who just had some whiskey and beer does; crushing snacks while mindlessly scrolling through whatever social media app my fingers happened to click. (Does anyone ever remember opening one of those?)
Things were fine and I was just about to hit the part of the night where you snap out of the endless daze of weird videos and question why I am the way I am, when this video shook me to my core.
One of those teacher accounts of some 24 year old kid fresh out of college trying to tell people how to do a job they’ve been doing for under two years popped up and it showed her singing with her kids to a “counting by 9s” version of Morgan Wallen’s “Last Night” and I don’t know why but I was immediately infuriated.
Some old man rage roared up from the depths, a rage that I’m slowly starting to realize has been in me the whole time, and I just got mad.
Maybe it’s the fact that “Last Night” isn’t exactly a kid friendly song with all the talk of “gripping sheets” and drinking bottle of Jack. Maybe it was the fact that it’s not exactly a skill to count by 9s. Maybe it was just the fact that this was supposed to be some great way to spread knowledge to all the children instead of just teaching them how to count and multiply.
Whatever it was, it’s still bubbling up in me, slowly simmering as I type.
Here’s the words to this wonderful song.
“Last night we learned to count by 9s
9, 18, 27, 36, 45
You told me 54 and 63 were coming back
But 72, 81, and 90 were all that’s left
No way I’ll forget my 9s”
Like okay, but can you imagine you’re in class and your teacher makes you all perform for her Instagram account? I mean I know there’s no kids shown in the video but when I have kids I don’t want their teacher to be TikToking all day, I’d like her to actually teach them something (bold stance I know.)
I haven’t been this upset since the MLB started adding a runner at second base for extra innings (which still upsets me) and if this isn’t proof that one day you just wake up and you are your father, I don’t know what is.
Watch the video if you dare.
