I don’t think it’s a shock to anyone that’s there been quite the increase in shoplifting here recently.
I mean, we’ve all seen the countless “smash and grab” videos swimming around the scum-infested waterways of the internet.
Literally, a group of thieves, or even just one lone wolf, just walk into a store and brazenly start grabbing things off the shelves, and then they just waltz right out of the store, like nobody just witnessed the most obvious form of felony shoplifting known to mankind.
And here’s the thing… the store staff doesn’t do anything, the security doesn’t do anything, nobody does nothing.
So, you know what I miss… the days when the staff would defend that merchandise like it’s damn Alamo. You know, three guys tackle the would-be thief, another blocks the door just to make sure they can’t escape… maybe rough ’em up in the process, drag their lifeless body to the parking lot and leave them there… you know, the good ol’ days.
Now, I’m not an idiot… I know it’s against company policy to chase a shoplifter. Of course they would rather lose a hundred bucks off the shelf than have to send in corporate because Tommy took a knife to the stomach in the parking lot. Not to mention paying out the worker’s comp claim while Tom is on the mend (Tommy recovers, everybody relax).
So no, I don’t expect anyone to risk their lives to protect useless products they don’t own, for a minimum wage job they wish they could quit. I totally understand why the employees don’t give a shit… I’m just saying, times have changed.
Unless you’re at Guitar Center…
If you think you’re gonna walk out of a Guitar Center with the goods, you got another thing coming. At least at this Guitar Center…
We don’t have a lot of context here so I’m going to do my best to keep the characters straight, but it looks like some dipshit, let’s call him Dirty Mike, thinks he’s gonna walk out of the store with an acoustic guitar (not exactly an easy thing to steal, right?)
Our hero, let’s call him Randy, decides that he’ll risk losing his job to save what looks like $350 Epiphone and puts ol’ Dirty Mike in a chokehold.
Dirty Mike, knowing that plan has been foiled, decided to start smashing the guitar against the wall, because… well, he’s already screwed and the guitar’s going down with him. As much as I hate to see a good guitar go down, it’s hilarious.
That’s when Randy lays down the law:
“You’re gonna leave right now, you understand me? You are leaving this door right f*cking now. Get up… get the f*ck up.”
And Dirty Mike starts TAPPING OUT.
Do you get to tap out when you’re caught stealing? I don’t think so… so, once again… it’s hilarious.
Anyways, Dirty Mike just lays there like a dead fish (he’s fine) so ol’ Randy grabs him by the belt and drags his ass out to the parking lot… and leaves him there.
And then the coup de grâce… the shoe. He just tosses the dude’s rogue shoe on his lifeless body laying face down on the sidewalk. And for a third time…. HILARIOUS.