As I tucked my son into bed on Saturday night, he asked me about the Easter Bunny.
“Daddy, how does the Easter Bunny get to our house? Does he drive a car?”
“No, son,” I laughed. “He’s a bunny. He hops around.”
My son looked confused, so I got the hell out of there. It was 9pm and there were a few dozen plastic eggs that needed hiding and a few Steve Austin Broken Skull IPA’s that needed crushing. I didn’t have time to craft an elaborate lie about the Easter Bunny.
I grew up with the Cadbury bunny, a cute white rabbit that clucked and shit out chocolate eggs with a creamy center. There was no way that little guy could drive a car, and I didn’t have time to explain it.
But when I walked to the fridge in search of my Broken Skull, I nearly screamed.
There on the refrigerator door was a photo of my son at preschool last week with an adult-sized, grotesque, sweater-vest-clad white rabbit. Its beady blue eyes peered deep into my soul. It was the Easter Bunny. And at his size, he could definitely drive a car, straight into my nightmares.
I heard music in my head, but it wasn’t your standard Easter fare like “How Great Thou Art” or “He’s Alive” or even “Amazing Grace.”
The song I heard went a little something like this:
“Well, I left town with a chip on my shoulder
Toting 27 dollars worth of cheap cocaine.”
The room started spinning and I realized where I’d seen this bunny before, and it sure as hell wasn’t at church. It was the Koe Wetzel Bunny.
In the middle of one of my YouTube rabbit holes, Koe’s “Forever” featured this bunny floating in and out of focus throughout the second half of the video, doing a line of cocaine, playing creepy referee over a furry wrestling match, and getting a little too friendly with the stripper.
Thanks to my kid’s preschool, the Koe Wetzel Bunny floated into focus just in time for Easter.
Where are the good ‘ol days when the most offensive thing the Easter Bunny did was weirdly lay a few chocolate eggs and sneak around your yard late at night hiding delightful treats?
Today’s Easter/Koe Wetzel Bunny does that too, but is also six feet tall, loves blow, and will terrorize your dreams for eternity.
For next year’s Easter season, can we all agree to donate our giant Easter Bunny costumes to Koe’s music video production company, where they belong?
Because on Easter Eve this year, I couldn’t shake the feeling that while I scattered plastic eggs around my yard, a six-foot-tall white rabbit lurked in the shadows with those beady eyes, a 40 of malt liquor, and 27 dollars worth of cheap cocaine.