If Turnpike Troubadours Got Back Together Right Now, Could It Cure Coronavirus? Let’s Examine

A group of men wearing sunglasses
Cal Quinn

I’m not a doctor.

I have no training in the medical field, I haven’t studied medicine or infectious disease in any way, shape, or form. I don’t even go to the doctor regularly, in fact, I usually just drink whiskey and eat raw garlic when I get a cold. The extent of my medical knowledge pretty much goes as far as regurgitating facts I hear from Dr. Rhonda Patrick on Joe Rogan’s podcast, and then barely even applying them to my life. It basically stops there.

But that being said, I had an idea this morning…

Again, in my non-professional, non-expert, not even amateur medical opinion, we have to stop this virus by any means necessary. Everything is the on the table, there are no bad ideas.

So far, we’ve come up with social distancing, self-quarantine, lots of hand washing, but it’s high time we go a step further and hit Coronavirus with such an atomic bomb of positive energy that it would have no choice but to retreat back into whatever bat’s asshole that it crawled out of.

We have to explore the possibility that an immediate Turnpike reunion would fill the world with so much happiness, so much pure joy, so much unabashed elation that immune systems would inevitably skyrocket to another galaxy. Undiscovered galaxies. All the $16 dollar super green smoothies and all the Vitamin C in the world wouldn’t even compare to the amount of immune boost all of society would get from this… rendering Coronavirus virtually non-existent.

Hospitals would empty, the stock market would boom, grocery store shelves would be fully stocked again, and you could finally wipe your ass without the fear of worrying that it’s going to be your last time for a while… all peace and prosperity would be restored in the entire world.

I mean, maybe none of that would happen, but for the sake of humanity, we at least owe it to ourselves to try.

Cue the music.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock