Chicago Officially Cancels St. Patrick’s Day Because Of Coronavirus

A boat in a river


This Coronavirus bullshit has catapulted into a full blown tragedy of epic proportions.

According to ABC7 Chicago, the city is going to cancel their annual St. Patrick’s Day parade, along with the iconic dyeing of the Chicago River.

“The health and safety of Chicago’s residents will always be our highest priority and like many other cities across the nation and globe, we are postponing this year’s parade as a precautionary measure to prevent any additional spread of COVID-19,” said Mayor Lightfoot. “I want everyone to rest assured that your City and State continue to work around the clock to stay ahead of this issue and ensure everyone remains protected, informed, and safe.”

However, they may try and reschedule it for a later date.

Later date? LATER DATE! You can’t just reschedule St. Patrick’s Day, the holiest of all holidays. This is an outrage. Also let’s be honest, Coronavirus is only going to spread more over the next few months. Are we going to have St. Patrick’s Day in October? Postpone it… gimme a break.

I wait 364 days every single year for one day, just one measly day where I can wake up at 7 in the morning, eat a delicious breakfast of eggs, pancakes, and sausage, and then subsequently drink my face off until I inevitably pass out at noon. Couple hours of nap time and then I’m up pounding more Guinness and Jameson until I once again pass out by 6pm. Wake up at 8:30, watch The Boondock Saints and call it a day.

And you know what, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

That’s the thing about the Chicago spirit people, you can’t stop it. You think a bunch of Irish drunks, and everybody that gets to pretend to be one for the day, are going to let a little thing like Coronavirus stop the revelry? Fuck no. In fact, we all just might go a littler harder in the green paint in honor of all those in quarantine that can’t be with us on this sacred holiday.

Cue the fucking bagpipes Seamus.

And by the way, if you’ve never seen the river here in Chicago, it’s pretty damn cool.

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock