Festivus 2019: The Airing of the Country Music Grievances

It’s the holidays once again.

No, I’m not talking about Christmas. Today is Festivus – the holiday introduced to us by Seinfeld in 1997. Festivus is celebrated not with a tree, but with an unadorned aluminum pole. It features Festivus Miracles, Feats of Strength, and of course, the annual Airing of the Grievances.

Now I’m not here to perform any feats of strength (mainly because I haven’t seen the inside of a gym since…well, ever), but I do have some grievances to air this year. So gather round the unadorned aluminum pole after Festivus dinner for the annual Airing of the Grievances. Because in the words of Frank Costanza, “I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it!”

Country radio censoring Riley GreenCome to think of it, country radio in general.

FGL’s “Swerve.” I still get irrationally angry thinking about that shitshow of a song.

We still don’t know where Garth hid the bodies. The families need closure, Garth!

Fake country artist accounts on Twitter trying to scam people.

Pedal taverns. I’ve had enough of the woo-girls blocking traffic. Just go away.

Aaron Lewis won’t stop cussing out his own fans.

People who come to Nashville and request “Wagon Wheel” at every bar.

Country pop collabs. Blake Shelton & Pitbull, Dan + Shay & Justin Bieber… we have enough pop in country music without bringing in pop artists.

Still no Whataburger in Nashville.

Nobody’s made a “Florida Man” reality show yet.

Another year with no Chris Stapleton album. So many unreleased gems. Throw ‘em on an album and put that bitch out, Chris.

The asshole reporter who tried to ruin Carson King’s life over his high school tweets.

PETA. Fuck those assholes.

Tyler Childers still isn’t played on the radio. Neither are women.

Hangovers. Why do they suck so much more at 31 than they did at 21?

Zac Brown losing his mind.

All of the shitty artist-owned bars taking over Broadway. At least they brought back Paradise Park.

Sam Hunt’s “Kinfolks.” We waited over a year for new music and this is what he gives us?

People who record the entire concert on their cell phone. Nobody watches your shitty cell phone videos – including you. Put down your damn phone.

and finally…

Eric Church was robbed.

Whiskey Riff is the most entertaining country site…ever.