A man with short hair

Woman Tries To Light Boyfriend On Fire Because He Didn’t Celebrate Her New Job At Subway

After bringing you the best “Florida Man Stories of 2019” yesterday, it pains me that this one isn’t from Florida as well. It comes from Arizona, but it has Florida written all over it.

According to KVOA, a 46-year-old woman was arrested after she “allegedly” tried to light her boyfriend on fire because he refused to celebrate with her after she just got hired at a Subway.

The police report states that she had two Smirnoff Ice drinks along with some “very strong” rum drinks (shocker) before the confrontation began. When her boyfriend didn’t feel like celebrating the new Subway sandwich making gig, she doused him with lighter fluid and threw matches at him. He was able to lock her out of the house until police arrived, hereby avoiding his own fiery death.

She was charged with aggravated assault and criminal damage.

On the one hand, I know that feeling when you’re trying to rally the gang for a some late night, alcohol infused rabble rousing, you know really painting the town red, messin’ shit up, but then you get crickets from the rest of the group. It’s definitely frustrating, but is it light your significant other on fire frustrating? Probably not…

It really is a shame though. It sounds like this Subway gig was really going to be a game changer for her, so much so that she broke out the Smirnoff Ice and really tried to tie one on. Doesn’t look like she’s going to make it to her first shift unfortunately. Who knows though? Maybe she perfects those sandwich making skills in the state penitentiary and comes out like gangbusters when she’s released sometime in the next 2-4 years.

Also, this is why I don’t go to Subway. They clearly just hired a woman who proved she wasn’t above lighting someone on fire, so I can’t imagine she’s a stickler for things like sanitation and hand washing. If you’re the type to try and light someone on fire, you’re also probably the type that drops a piece of turkey on the floor and still puts it on my yoga mat sandwich.

Sorry, I’m not going to the roll the dice on that one…

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock