“Goodbye Earl” Is Really Just A Story Of Friendship Goals

I hated high school and I am not really a big fan of my hometown. I have one friend from high school, we both left and never looked back. That’s probably why we’re still friends. We live in different states and we’re both crazy busy, so we don’t see each other or talk as much as we would like, but it’s one of those friendships where you know they will be there no matter what.

We hadn’t really talked that much in the last year, but the other night, I texted her saying, “can you look something up for me.” She immediately FaceTimed me. We spent the next two hours talking about this shitty situation I had just been put in, doing my cyber investigating, and then her telling me about a similar experience she had a few months ago. With social media, it’s easier to keep up with people you don’t see very often, but this kind of friendship where you just pick up like no time has passed, those are the special ones.

This is the kind of friendship portrayed to the fullest extent in the Dixie Chicks’ song, “Goodbye Earl.” Mary Ann and Wanda were best friends in high school. After they graduated, Mary Ann left to go pursue her dreams while Wanda stayed in their hometown and married a shitty guy. This guy Wanda married, Earl, abuses her and despite getting a restraining order, he puts her in intensive care.

Mary Ann immediately flies back to see Wanda. The two formulate a plan to kill Earl, because he’s not going to get away with hurting Wanda and he’s definitely not going to come back to do it again in the future. So, they kill him with some black-eyed peas, wrap him in a tarp, throw him in the trunk, and get rid of his body. There’s some initial investigation into Earl’s disappearance, but then it turns out no one cared that Earl was gone. Mary Ann and Wanda buy some land, build a little farmer’s stand, and live happily ever after.

That’s the definition of ride or die if I’ve ever heard of it. The standard of friendship goals should be set at willingness to kill and dispose of your abusive husband. Or, in the case of Miranda Lambert and Maren Morris, reminding you that you’re way too pretty for prison. Fortunately, my situation was not that intense, but I think I would be willing to bet on her if it was.

Cherish your real friends, ladies, because they just might help save your life.

Whiskey Riff is the most entertaining country site…ever.