This is immediately a candidate for craziest story of the year.
According to CNN, an Oklahoma couple was pulled over for an expired licenses plate tag, but what police found in the car would make even the craziest of motherfuckers say, “DAMN.”
When police officers approached the vehicle, Stephen Jennings, an ex-convict, alerted them that he had a gun in the vehicle, but that was just the beginning. First of all, the car was stolen, but they also had an open bottle of Kentucky Deluxe whiskey, a live rattlesnake, and… oh yeah, a canister of radioactive powdered uranium… you know the kind of shit that James Bond is usually after to save the world from a global nuclear disaster.
“When that happens, of course, we call in a company that deals with that specifically, and it’s taken safely into possession,” Gibbs said. “The uranium is the wild card in that situation.”
Jennings was charged with possession of a stolen vehicle, transporting an open container of liquor, operating a motor vehicle with a suspended license and failure to carry a security verification form. The Guthrie Police Department has not filed charges related to the uranium; officers are still looking into a potential motive.
Where do we even begin… let’s break this down charge by charge.
First of all, rattlesnakes are legal in Oklahoma so no harm, no foul, right there. I can’t imagine a couple in possession of a stolen vehicle and fucking yellowcake uranium are using that rattlesnake for anything other than purely evil purposes, but hey, a win is a win.
Stolen car, not that exciting. Handgun, of course they have one. If you’re willing to carrying around poisonous reptiles and radioactive bomb materials, a handgun is the least of your worries. It comes with the territory, basically part of the uniform. The Kentucky Deluxe is an obvious choice, which, if you know anything about plastic bottle whiskey, there ain’t a damn thing that’s deluxe about it. The only way it really could’ve gotten any better was if they were taking pulls right out the top of a bottle of rubbing alcohol. Then we’re really cooking with some crazy redneck peanut oil.
Finally, the powered uranium. HOW THE FUCK does one obtain uranium? Is it even illegal to have? The cops didn’t seem to sure about that one. You would think it would be, but who really knows? What’s the street value of a something like that? I’d imagine a kilo of that will fetch a pretty penny, but I’m no expert. A quick Google search on the “street value of uranium” proved to be a fruitless endeavor and now I’m sitting here with tons of questions, very few answers, and all the while, I can’t help but think these folks were on their way to meet someone with a name like Vladimir Romanenkov or Vyacheslav Kotov or Dmitry Volkov (I found a Russian name generator online, great stuff).
All in all, this is damn near a perfect 10, making most of these “Florida Man” stories look like child’s play. But the real kicker here… how was there no meth involved? This screams meth. I promise you, there was a meth pipe in that car and the police flat-out missed it. You got poisonous reptiles, stolen vehicles, cheap whiskey, weapons and the type of radioactive material that would make Hassan Rouhani cream his pants. I simply refuse to believe that these kind of characters only dabble in bargain bin whiskey.
Either way, one helluva way to kick off your weekend.