An Alabama man is accused of keeping an “attack squirrel” in his apartment, and feeding it meth to keep it amped up. According to WHNT, police executing a search warrant on the house were warned that the squirrel was inside and that its owner, Mickey Paulk, gave the animal meth to keep it in attack mode. Once inside the apartment, officers found the squirrel in a cage and set it free in the woods nearby.
Paulk (who somehow managed to elude police in the search) has issued a response on Facebook, posting a video disputing the police’s claims that he had an “attack squirrel.” He argues that meth would kill the little squirrel, and although he isn’t on meth, he’s still a motherfucker that will bite. After the police released the squirrel, he appears to have found his way back home, appearing in the video with Paulk.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
First of all, how methed up do you have to be to think that a squirrel is a good attack animal in the first place? Sure, they’re annoying, and a methed up squirrel will probably bite the shit out of you, but doesn’t a dog make more sense if you’re going to have an attack animal? Hell, get an attack cat, cats don’t give a fuck about anything. But a squirrel? I have a feeling the squirrel wasn’t the only one on meth when that decision was made.
And the police just released the squirrel back into the wild? So now there’s just a methhead squirrel running around the woods in Alabama, attacking the shit out of people and looking for its next fix? Who thought that was a good idea?
Now, this should go without saying, but don’t fucking feed a squirrel meth and use it to protect your apartment. Chances are, if you have meth in your apartment, nobody but the police are going to want to come in there anyway – and they’re just going to release your meth squirrel out into the wild for everybody else to worry about.
In conclusion, and I can’t stress this point enough, how is this not Florida?
Whiskey Riff is the most entertaining country site…ever.