An Open Letter To The Beige Garage Beer Fridge

Never judge a book by its cover.

Sometimes that cover is a worn out beige color, rusting at the hinges, but still fighting, scrapping, and clawing.

It’s not pretty, flashy, or expensive. But, it’s wise. It does the job, day in and day out – always there for you, sacrificing everything. Sacrificing everything to keep chuggin’ along so that your beer stays cold.

I’m talking about the garage beer fridge.

This fridge is covered with magnets like old beer logos, and bottle openers passed down for generations. Nobody touches the beer fridge, unless given permission. There might even be a padlock on it. It’s stocked with all kinds of beer and other shit a dad drinks like Coca-Cola and Sunny Delight for Saturday morning screwdrivers.

There will be a stereo of some sort near it that barely spits out AM sports talk radio.

When you have a beer fridge you have to fill it with beer fridge beers. Dad beers. You can’t fill this thing with Summer Shandy. It needs to be filled with the kinds of beer that grows hair on your body from the testosterone spike. The kind of beer that tastes like someone mixed liquid aluminum with melted tires. I’m talking bootleg Red Dog, Stroh’s, and Schlitz. Drink them alone, listen to Chris Stapleton, and complain about the world.

“Kids these days…they’ll never understand.”

It can’t be a nice fridge either. None of this glass door bullshit. Nothing with electronic settings. Has to be the freezer-top style. It has to be an off-white color, preferably beige, because you bought if from someone on Craigslist who’s been chain smoking Marlboro Reds in front of it for 44 years. This rustic cream color was earned from the cigarette chemicals. That’s what makes a good beer fridge. Or, better yet, it has been passed down from your parents. That don’t make ’em like this anymore.

The freezer will be saved for tequila and vodka and dead animals you’ll cook on your grill.

The beer fridge is your oasis in a world of negativity. It’s the coldest, most refreshing beer, you can enjoy without flying to Cabo or the Mediterranean Sea. It’s more than just a fridge. It’s home, comfort, and the perfect buzz after mowing the lawn on a hot summer day. It treats you with respect, always. And like a good dog, is always on your side.

God Bless the beer fridge.

Whiskey Riff is the most entertaining country site…ever.