I Finally Figured Out Why The Kentucky Derby Is A Total Sh*tshow… The Mint Julep

The 145th running of the Kentucky Derby is this Saturday and that means one thing… day drinking.

Well, I guess it also means horse racing and all those rich people that have spent millions of hours and millions of dollars trying to become the next champion. Right now, my early money is on Long Range Toddy because you always want to go with an animal named after a person. Todd is a fast horses name if I’ve ever heard one and as it stands right now, 30-1 odds is going to be a pretty payout. You heard it here first. Come back on race day for my final picks.

Anyways back to what a regular folks like to do on Derby Day… drink like a horse. Have you ever seen a horse drink? It’s disgusting… like a gallons at a time. That’s the plan this weekend.

But Wes you say… isn’t the Kentucky Derby a classy event? Seersucker suits, fancy hats, mint julep, the whole nine yards?

Yeah…. no.

And now, I think I finally know how such a classy party tuns into this kind of madness. It’s the mint julep.

Do you even know what’s in a mint julep? Aside from some form of mint, I had no idea. I would’ve been embarrassed to even ask. So I did a little digging and found a video explaining how to make one and I have to say, I’m shocked and appalled that I’ve never had one before.

The basic ingredients are bourbon (duh, it’s Kentucky), mint, sugar, and ice. Seems easy enough right? Mix ’em together, pour into a standard cocktail glass and voilá, you’re good to go, right?

WRONG.

You see the first step is to get a pint glass. Yeah, an entire 16-ounce pint glass because horse races are over in a second and you can’t be stuck in the drink line when the ponies are running. Then you take a side-salad’s worth of mint, you would think a few leaves would suffice, but again, you’d be wrong. You want that cup of mint leaves to look like it would feed a family of rabbits for days on end. Then, a sugar cube (duh, horses like sugar), and you want to mash that up in the pint glass with your mint salad. Fill with ice, and then it’s time to add the bourbon.

Now, this is very important and you’ll want to pay very close attention to what she does and not what she says. She’s going to tell you that you need 2 ounces of bourbon. Now, I’ve never been one for specific measurements, but she pours half of the fucking bottle into that pint glass. Like I said, I’m not one for measurements, but WAY THE FUCK more than 2 ounces. We’re talking enough bourbon to give the damn horse a buzz.

Suddenly, it all made sense. You see folks, this is why the Kentucky Derby is an absolute fucking shit show. It’s all because of this sneaky little cocktail called the mint julep. A 16-oz. mint salad with a healthy pour of bourbon dressing. Tasty, refreshing, and strong enough to knock you flat on your ass in less than an hour.

And, I can’t fucking wait.

Whiskey Riff is the most entertaining country site…ever.