According to the Knoxville News Sentinel, Howard Webb was arrested in Maryville, Tennessee for dipping his balls in a customer’s salsa after a customer only tipped 89 cents for their delivery.
How did he get his balls busted, you might be wondering? Well, the dumbass made a video and posted it only, with the caption “This is what you get when you give an 89-cent tip for an almost 30-minute drive.” According to the officers, Webb was heard on the video saying “Oh, oh, it feels good.”
They don’t catch the smart ones.
To make the story even more absurd, Webb wasn’t even the delivery driver – he was just riding along with a friend who was making deliveries.
Listen, I’m obviously not condoning what he did, that’s absolutely disgusting but that’s the kind of ride or die that I want in my life. If you’re not willing to dip your balls in somebody’s salsa when they fuck me over, are you even really my friend?
Webb has been charged with felony “adulteration of food, liquid or pharmaceuticals” – because I guess that sounds better than “teabagging a condiment.”
There are a few lessons that can be learned from this. First, don’t fuck over the people who handle your food. Second, don’t record your crimes and post them online. And third, always have somebody who’s willing to stand up for you, even if that means dipping their balls in salsa.