Stop Trying to Get Me to Buy Sh*t From You On Facebook

A woman sitting at a desk

Remember when Facebook used to be fun?

Back in the day, Facebook was great for creeping on your friends’ relationship drama and keeping up with what everybody was doing so you didn’t have to miss out on any of the good shit.

Now, it’s basically a cesspool of political bullshit, baby pictures, and events that you’re not interested in. But by far the worst part of Facebook these days are the people trying to sell you shit every time you log on.

You know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s usually somebody that you don’t really talk to, or somebody who’s never left their hometown and has never been able to keep a job. And the shit they’re selling is obviously a scam, promising that you can lose weight by drinking some kind of shitty miracle diet juice, or clear up your skin by using their new miracle cream. Everything is a miracle.

Just make it fucking stop.

I used to get excited when I got a Facebook message, because it was usually from somebody I wanted to talk to. Now, whenever I see that little red bubble pop up with a message from somebody that I haven’t talked to in years, I can guaran-fucking-tee you that it’s always the same thing:

“Hey hon! Long time no talk! I just started my own business selling (shit that you don’t want or need) and I’d love to tell you about it! Do you have a few minutes to talk??”


And the worst part is when they try to recruit you into their pyramid scheme too. “It’s so easy and you can make so much money just working from home!” Well if you’re making so much money why the fuck aren’t you selling your magic lotion full time, eh Karen?

All of these companies are bullshit. They sell generic, overpriced products to dumbasses who actually believe they can become rich just by selling shit on Facebook… “but wait, you can make even more if you just recruit others to sell their product too!” It’s literally the definition of a pyramid scheme, and the bottom of the pyramid is ruining Facebook.

So no, random person from my hometown that I haven’t talked to since high school, I don’t want to buy your magic lotion, magic protein shake or your “body wrap,” whatever the hell that is. And, the only essential oil I need is the kind that Popeye’s uses to fry their chicken.

A black coffee maker on a counter

Photo: JaysonPhotography /

A beer bottle on a dock


A beer bottle on a dock