Florida Man Threatens To Kill His Neighbors With “Kindness,” Also Happens To Have A Machete Named “Kindness”

A group of men

Oh Florida… it’s been awhile, but you’re back.

According to Fox News, a Florida man threatened to kill his neighbors with kindness, and it just so happens, that he has a big-ass machete named kindness.

Bryan Duane Stewart, 30, was arrested over the weekend after he reportedly threatened to kill his neighbors with a machete on which he had etched the word “kindness.” Santa Rosa County sheriff’s deputies said a neighbor heard yelling and banging coming from Stewart’s home all day. The neighbor, along with another neighbor who expressed concern for a woman and child who also lived in the house, reportedly went to Stewart’s home to tell him to keep it down.

Stewart then came out of the house with a knife raised in an upward motion, police said in the arrest report. The first neighbor reportedly stepped in front of the other and blocked Stewart’s attempted knife strike, with the victim later telling authorities he suffered a half-inch cut on his left hand.

At the time of his arrest on Thursday, cops said Stewart reeked of alcohol and noted that officers had to “repeat things numerous times.” Deputies said he also became belligerent, very aggressive and kept banging his head on the patrol unit, WEAR reported.

Nothing worse that machete-wielding mad man with an affinity for word play. “Kill you with kindness,” a phrase we’ve all heard a dozen times, but who would’ve thought there was this glaring loophole that we all somehow missed. Staring us all right in the face and we just missed it. I’m guilty too.

Thankfully, nobody was killed, because that definitely would’ve held up in court. Now, this psycho and his trusty machete, affectionately named “kindness” are back on the streets, thanks to a technicality.

Next time you hear that phrase, call the police immediately, especially in Florida. No doubt about it there’s a guy somewhere in Florida with an alligator named “Kindness.” And, he’s hungry.

A kitchen with a sink and a toaster oven

A beer bottle on a dock


A beer bottle on a dock