Remember when you were 21 and could stay out drinking until 4am, be at the gym by 9am, then ready to do it all again by 5pm? Those days are gone. Really fucking gone.
Now? A fetal position for 2 days is a win. A Sunday consists of moping around until 6 pm then waking up only to be abnormally sad and depressed until Tuesday. You ain’t as good as you once were. How do you know for sure?
Here are 38 ways you’ll know your better drinking days are behind you.
38. You ask yourself “why am I so drunk” pretty much any time you drink alcohol now.
37. Day drinking has become infinitely better than going out at night. Home by 6 or 7. Food. Sleep.
36. Your beer shotgun time has doubled in the last year.
35. Your lower back hurts really bad after drinking for a couple days straight. Are my kidneys OK?
34. You keep asking yourself “are there more douchebags than normal here, or do I just hate everyone” while at a bar.
33. You love drinking in work out clothes.
32. You don’t spend more than 5 minutes to get ready to “go out.”
31. You try anything to prevent a hangover. Activated charcoal pills? Eat butter straight up? Yup.
30. Alcohol now has a ninja-like sneakiness. You go from having a good time to blackness real quick.
29. You currently own Ibuprofen, Alka-Seltzer, Pepto, and Emergen-C…and Pedialyte.
28. Is this a hangover or do I have the flu?
27. You know you have to work out all week to not feel guilty about getting drunk on a Friday night.
26. You get excited about taking Melatonin when you know you’re staying in.
25. You buy candles for your Saturday night Netflix watching.
24. You keep asking yourself “how old are they?” when you’re out and around annoying people.
23. Being around drunk people sober might as well be torture.
22. You drink a lot of clear alcohol (sup Codigo), with waters in between.
21. You notice the unsanitary habits of some bartenders.
20. You fall asleep in places that aren’t your bed and thoroughly enjoy naps now.
19. When you go out it seems like everyone is always bumping into you.
18. “Is the music really loud in here?” – a question you ask at busy bars.
17. Sometimes you prefer to stay in and get drunk alone watching YouTube videos.
16. You spend a lot of money on fancy coffee.
15. You’re always Googling puppies you want.
14. You have to leave the house by 9pm 8pm or you’re staying in.
13. You like establishments with rickety bar stools that are cash only and take no bullshit.
12. If you’re out for more than three hours your attention quickly turns to what you’re going to eat ASAP.
11. You’ve gotten to the point where you stock up on Pedialyte the same way you do with toilet paper.
10. You need a Bloody Mary sometimes now.
9. You listen to acoustic Spotify playlists as you shower.
8. You order slippers on Amazon.
7. You prefer watching your favorite sports teams in your own house, not a bar.
6. You bring a koozie with you to bars. Always.
5. You buy “going out” clothes, only to return them a week later because you bought them in a weird good mood and you don’t actually want them.
4. You’re super excited about waking up on a Saturday with no hangover so you can be productive and drink later.
3. You have no reason for not going out. You just can’t sometimes. Physically, you can’t.
2. You appreciate old man beers now.
1. The whiskey used to burn. Now, it heals.
Whiskey Riff is the most entertaining country site…ever.