The Dangers Of Getting Drunk On Egg Nog

Christmas is right around the corner.

That can only me one thing – getting drunk with family.

It’s a fun time. A time to appreciate everyone, give people gift cards because you were too lazy to shop, and drink until you say something you regret. The vessel for that regret may come in the form of spiked egg nog.

We all get excited for it. We get so excited to drink something that sounds unequivocally repulsive any other time of year. Milk and cream and eggs and sugar mixed with whiskey or rum or brandy (etc).  Holy shit. I’m in.

This is a unique drunk, and with it comes some dangers. Here they are…

1. You feel fucking disgusting.

The initial buzz off spiked egg nog is great. Loosey-Goosey. Then, the sleepiness creeps in and you’re not sure if you drank egg nog or took 4 Benadryl. You’re sweating like two rats screwing in a wool sock.

Your world is spinning, and this is just the beginning.

2. You’ll definitely vomit.

If you thoroughly enjoy yourself as you should, and drink more than you should, you will definitely vomit your organs right out of your body. This isn’t a regular yack. This amount of sugar and dairy creates a fire hose of energy deep within your core that releases said vomit with so much force you think your skeleton is coming out with it.

Do NOT make any sudden movements or get into any moving objects or the force strengthens. Sneak into the restroom, say a prayer, and let it rip.

3. Your stomach will be a war zone.

Again, this amount of dairy, eggs, sugar, and liquor will have your stomach sounding like a KISS concert. You won’t know if you’re about to shit yourself in front of family, or puke on mom’s new tablecloth.

Your insides are working in overdrive trying to keep you looking alive.

4. You won’t look at an egg for 11 months.

This recovery may take a full 11 months. Just being honest.

5. You’ll consume enough sugar to kill a small person.

January 1st 2019 the diet starts.

6. Your hangover might kill you.

The final frontier – the hangover. This is a full-body + mental hangover. All you people over the age of 26 know what I’m sayin’. Your stomach will be in shambles. There will be a jackhammer bouncing around uncontrollably in your skull. You’ll be sad, and weak, and will probably vomit again when you least expect it. You’ll put on an acoustic playlist and get into the fetal position for the foreseeable future.

So, this begs the question – should you get drunk on egg nog? Yes. Yes, you should.

Here’s Martha Stewart’s lethal recipe that will get the whole family seeing triple. Merry Christmas.

A beer bottle on a dock


A beer bottle on a dock